Wow...where do I start?

First let me say...I've just been actually DX with major clinical depression and will be starting new meds soon that hopefully I won't be allergic to. I've been battling depression for years as an adult with out meds due to my allergies. PC Doc thinks I am no having anxiety attacks about taking new meds which I'm sure he is prob right....

I'm dealing with a lot in my life and have been for about a year...I have a chronic condition there is no cure for and know I need to make some changes in my life once I find a reason to. It won't stop the condition, but may help me live another year or so....Christmas this year is extremely hard for me. My mother died at this time many moons ago under tragic circumstances which I still have some issues with...and I"m totally alone for the first time this year. In the past two years every three months I lost an immediate family member to death.. I moved away from my home state as I started getting into the wrong things with the wrong crowd and spiraled downward rapidly towards a path of self destruction. It's been a good move for the most part as I've had to learn who I am again in my alone-ness. I've finally sought out help and actually think there might be light at the end of the tunnel. These are just the major things I've been dealing with along with my depression. I have a lot I'm dealing with in everday life and am currently living hour to hour....

Here's my problem....I gave two children up for adoption. One is now 28 and the other 22. I have my another child who is 25. She is the only one I kept. The 22 yr old would not have even been born had not the 28 yr old's adoptive mother said she wanted "the baby". At the time my daughter was only 3 and I could barely take care of her. I had an open adoption and at another time and place could have beeen best friends with my birth son's mother. While my daughter has always known of her brothers, and asked about them she never had contact until recently. I had gotten in touch with the adopted mom and let her know Daugter wanted to get in touch with the boys. The 22 yr old made contact. Needless to say, Daughter and adopted son have been talking for a little over a month. I was just informed last night that he now wants to talk to me.

I'm scared to death....I don't know if I want to face those questions right now at the point I'm in in my life. I don't know if I'm EQUIPPED to handle this right now. It's a big big ball to swallow. I knew this day would come...but I actually thought I'd be about 60-70 when it did...

It brings up a part of my life I changed and don't want to look back on...what questions do I answer? and if I don't answer the ones he wants will he hate me for it? I'm not ready to answer all the questions yet, but DO want my son to know I love him and care for him at the same time. My daughter has told me some of his story with his adopted parents and come to find out...he would have prob been better off with me. He was DX as bi-polar, manic depressive and a few other things at the age of 8? Is that possible for a child so young to have that? Did I do that to him???? I it my fault for passing this on to him? Apparently, His older brother is the same way and refuses to speak with me or my daughter at all. So I know he hates me....and blames me. Do they hate me cause I kept her and not them?

This is makeing me whirl at a time I just don't need it...I start my new meds as soon as I pic up the script...I just don't know what to do right now...ignore the request? speak to him via chat like he wants?

Please offer some sound advice...I know hugs are meant well...but I really need some concrete suggestions here....< big sigh>

Will my life EVER calm down so I can enjoy the last bit of it I have left? Holy cow...I just want to crawl in hole and stay there and ignore the fact the world is out there somewhere...