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This one time he kept going with an*l when I told him to stop, and I started to cry, but he thought the "stop" and the crying was a role-playing thing. It wasn't. But I return to that night in my messed up fantasies in my messed up head. Those thoughts turn me on, isn't that sick?
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I relate to a lot of your post, but this really stood out to me. I really, really relate to this. It seems like the worst sexual experiences I've had are the ones I fantasize about the most. Most of the time, I can't become aroused without thinking about something really awful. I am sorry for your struggles, but I am glad I'm not the only one.