Quote: " I would be putting aside my fears and my wants and needs because at the end of it Im going to be gone " Unquote

Amanda. It's not about my needs and wants at all...I'm just trying to figure the best way to approach things with him.... We haven't even gotten to a point of meeting and I'm just scared of that very first conversation. I'm big on family history and his blood roots go back pretty far.. My only concern is the mental state I'm already in and have been in for months now...it's not that easy to face something when we are already on shakey ground. You make it sound so simple when in fact for me it's not. I know I WILL talk to him, In fact it will be within the next day or so... I may not tell him everything as there are some things about me NOONE will ever know. Not even a T when I do finally get to one. I just want to figure out what's best for HIM considering his own mental frame of mind. Two people meeting that are both suffereing depression, and him with the added Bi-polar, mania etc...worries me. I'm just seeking insight on HOW to handle things...not if.

Byzantine: Yes that is exactly what happend. He would have been aborted had not adopted mom of son one had not wanted to adopt another. I tried to give her a give her a gift from my heart, knowing she couldn't have children and knowing how much she wanted them. As I said before...Son one was a very open adoption and while I was pregnant with son two...my daughter even went to stay with her as I was very very ill during the pregancy. So adopted mom and I have always been "friends" and up till son one was 9 communicated regularly.

I know I need to get to counseling....here in New Orleans it's a hard thing to find. We are STILL in major recovery and don't even have all the hospitals open yet...the parishes here are diff in that you can't go from one to another to seek help...you have to get help from your own parish you live in. Wierd stuff...but it is what it is. The free clinic I go to is working on finding someone for me and I'm supposed to have an appt sometime next week via phone. As soon as my disibility comes thru and I get medicaid...THEN I can go somewhere out of my parish for help. I know I have a lot to "deal" with...but right now..I'm just trying to make it past the Holidays..

I'll prob be talking to him sometime today or tomorrow...I know he wants answers and I'm the only one that can give them and maybe it will erase the bad memories around Christmas for me and give me a new one to focus on???