Later today we have to have a nerve block surgery- it's so hard to cope with all the mixed feelings now.
H is angry with me- for no reason. It's always like that, whenever i need to depend upon someone for emotional support- there never is anyone. He's taking the day to be angry to hurt me. We're alone again. i just hope that he takes me to the hospital because they can't do it without someone else there.
Why is everything always so difficult?
i'm so afraid because the relationship with this pain control dr is so bad right now after he said refused to treat me with medicine because i didn't have a dx and suddenly i had to run out and see more drs when i thought that i was through with that.
There isn't a definate cause to explain the severe pain - i think it could be nerve damage from an exposure to a fungicide that spilled onto my clothes through a rip in a TVK suit at work but there's no way to prove that. There's cloned immuiogloblins that came at the same time in my blood. It's a reaction to something. It's physical- pain meds work. i hope that the nerve block will help.
i hope that i can get through without my littles getting too afraid- i hope that communication with them is successful and i'm able to stay in a strong adult part.
i'm still trying to figure out which one would handle it best.
and i hope that this dr won't be angry with me- that he'll believe me and have understanding into the struggle that i'm living in with these parts and to be without the real support of anyone IRL and realize that the severe pain that is real- not psychological. It's been a frustrating mess trying to tell drs that the pain is REAL and Physical when i have PTSD and DID. They want to always say how it's body memories, etc.
It's so so frustrating. i wish the pain were somewhere else. It's so triggering too because no one believes me. i'm stuch trying to convince these drs and they want to protect themselves- they don't want to prescribe pain meds to a person if they have psychomatic pain but mine isn't. i wish that i didn't have PTSD and DID. Then i'd have a chance that i'd be treated without all the trouble. It's so unfair. i have to say again and again that i'm telling the truth- that the pain is real and explain again and again how severe it is and they still doubt me.
Tears. Even my psychiatrist doubts me and i have to always repeat. When will i be believed? i wish that the cause would finally turn up in a test. In the meantime i wait to have this nerve block in about three hours. So alone and so many feelings. Some inside see it as a punishment- they see even the pain as a punishment because they don't know why it came and imagine it was from being beat up or worse.
tears.
i hope that someday i'll be believed and the dr will know how much pain that i have had to live in. How horrible is the threat to withold help of medications for this pain, it's exactly like making someone live in torture.
Why is this dr so cruel? Now i have to have this nerve block by him after he threatened not to treat me. It's so hard to do. How can i do it? i have to. And i have to hope it works.
thanks so much for being there,
Please pray- thank you.
kerria
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