... I got the time wrong and was late. stupid stupid useless me. I can't seem to get things right. I even put the time in my phone but the read it wrong. She wasn't cross but we only had half an hour and i don't know what we did really. i can only remember bits.
i told her about the bad one and how she wrote in my online journal twice and i only remember the second time. She said i probably dissociated but not to worry about it.
i know we talked as well about Baby Christopher. She said that was a wrong thing for my parents to have done and no wonder I feared rejection.
I told her I want to remember good stuff from when I was little. She wants me to remember the things I have done with my daughters. She wants me to just remember that now till we go on holiday and then leave it all here and forget about it. I don't seem able to control what I remember but I will work on the me as mum memories.

Then we looked at the CBT things I did. I didn't get very far. We tried to go further but some bits were too scary.

Then I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew it was time to go but I couldn't stop. I wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't stop. I had to go. I went out the back stairs. I thought about falling falling all the way down. Or slipping off the top onto the ground. But I didn't.
I have to go back later to see my GP - I thought I made that appointment for after my session with Ruth but I didn't because I got the time for Ruth wrong.
I won't see Ruth till I get back from my holiday at the end of the month. That is really scary.
I don't like this.