Thanks Brightheart It is interesting that you bring this up here. I think it is a struggle for all mothers, to one degree or another, where do I draw the line in terms of taking care of myself and taking care of small children? When my kids were little, all of them, it is WAS a 24/hr a day job. They are close in age. Now that my youngest is 2 1/2 and she is very attached to her siblings and can stay with them and be occupied, I can go out. Back then, with so many little children, I didnt do what I can do today. Now, I take care of myself in other ways that my children see. They see me eating healthy food, physically caring for myself, organizing and cleaning up the house, maintaining relationships with friends. I think that is a BIG one. I maintain and work on my connections to good friends- they see me socializing ALL the time. And they know, especially my teenagers, that my husband and I work on our relationship and we are affectionate to each other in their presence. That isnt a new issue for me, so I have been working on that. I dont feel that taking care of myself is selfish. I know selfish, I grew up with selfish. What has been a challenge has been trauma issues from childhood. And the feelings from that, from her.

I have to say no to my repaying my mother's debt to society. I never felt as if she has any debt to society. If anything, society was more imoportant to her than her family. She was very oriented that way. What this or that political movement needed, and she was there. I do as much as I do as a mother, a supermom, because I want to have the family I dreamed of, the family I wanted. Yes, in some ways she taught me what I DONT want to do, but the dynamics in my house growing up is what I want to do differently. I want to be different than her, but I dont have to try very hard because I AM very different than her, I dont even have to try to fix her errors. I know her errors are hers. It is the trauma to my younger parts that is painful.

Im sorry that you had to watch your mother's pain and suffering. Im sure she gave all she had to your brother. It is sort of the same thing, she didnt take care of her needs and you came away with the feeling that your needs are secondary. Its as if she died trying. She must have felt very guilty if she thought of herself when your brother needed so much. Do you think she (and you) might be different today if she had taken time for herself, or learned how to care for herself, possibly allowed someone else to do the caring for your brother now and then?