This morning when I went to therapy I felt like I didnt want to be there. I so rarely feel like that. I was tired, I didnt feel like talking about traumatic memories. I had more surfacey things on my mind, anyway. But these things always point to the deeper issues.....

I began talking about how my husband triggers me when he doesnt want to stay with my 2 yo when I go to therapy. He anticipates the worst- that he wont get any work done (which didnt happen today, btw). We talked in particular about my 11 yo son, his temperment, and why he gets so upset when I am upset. He was a very sensitive small child, but now has a very outgoing side, is a gifted pianist, get into the car everyday after school and says, "this was the BEST day of my life!" She said, contrary to my worries, that though he does seem affected, he doesnt seem to be so traumatized. We talked a lot about my husband and his work and the dynamic between us.

I wanted to talk about deeper things, but didnt know where to jump in. I began talking about my little 8 yo and a dream I had about her (my little girl). I was with a little girl in this old, broken down shack. The girl wanted to steal food from this old refigerator that was there. I had to keep telling her we had to pay for it and the guy there told us we could take it since it was old. We kept looking through these 2 refigerators for some food that was good, but most of it was old and she wanted to take that home. Ftt interpreted the dream to mean that I am taking care of my 8 yo girl by keeping her from stealing, but that we were, together, digging into old "stuff" and looking for better food. I was protecting her in the dream, it was very cold there in the shack and I wanted to get her out of this old and ugly place. Even if she wanted to take the old food from the refrigerators with her.

She said she felt I should allow my littel girl to journal and I talked about my fears around that. And getting angry or sad. We talked about a flashback I have of my mother, her face smiling at me and saying really mean things. She did this all the time and confused me. I could not trust her words. It lead me to not trust people and their behavior. That there might be something bad behind niceness. We talked aobut how over the years I have done "exposure" therapy with myself in that I have discovered with most people, if they are nice, they are nice.. That I can trust people.

We talked quite a bit about my mother's funeral. And how I was "checking" her body to see if she was really dead and couldnt hurt me and my cousin slapped me. And what went on during the time she was in hospice. She never believed that she would die. I am fortunate that the therapist I had at the time told me what I should do so that I dont regret that I didnt do or say this or that years later. I said a lot of things to her that I didnt mean, but I said them to her anyway because I was told to say them. Anyway, she did say my mother was true to form and believed that she was invincible. And that was how she behaved when she was sick and it confused me once again. It was difficult to talk about her during that period of time, when she was sick and dying. It was probably a time when I felt safer around her. We talked about, strangely enough, the John Edwards show (this came up in conversation last night when I was out with my friends) and that I was afraid my mother could see and hear me and hurt me from "the other side" (if anyone has seem this show, I used to watch it, but havent in a long time). Ftt said she hasnt hurt me yet, but I wasnt sure. We talked about spirituality and where I thought people go when they die and what happens.

At one point I actually got a small bit teary. I have never gotten teary in regard to my mother. Ftt asked me what I was feeling a number of times during the sesssion talking about her, but I couldnt come up with what feeling I had.

I think it was when I was talking about the flashback that I felt like I was disappearing. I said I felt like I was going underwater. She asked me if I felt like I was dissociating. I said yes. I dont think I have ever called it that when I felt that "disappearing" feeling. She told me to take deep breaths, my heart was pounding and I felt like she was far away. When I put my feet on the ground and breathed from my "stomach" then I felt more present.

She wants me to take 1/4 of a klonopin daily (or did she say twice/day) to reduce the "tantrums" yet be present enough to stop and think about what the trigger was. I have to call my PNP for more Klonopin. I am a little afraid of that because I then have to wean off of it. She said it is not uncommon to have extra medication help during trauma work.