I'm so angry at the moment....for no apparent reason....AAAAHHHH! Just FNCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so sick and tired of this sh|t! I just sleep or stare at this fncking idiot box. Won't the fairy godmother come and make it better?

Checking out has had fleeting presences but quickly gets squashed when I think of the consequences. IDK, I need to check in somewhere for a minute instead, I think.

I barely eat. I drink 2 cups of coffee a day (well night now, as I seem to have no REAL schedule.) I get angry at teenagers being stupid in a fncking internet GAME. WTF is up with that?

I think I'm way more broken than I want to accept.....and that just makes me angrier.

My depression is way worse than my mania. I think my life is worthless. There's nothing I have, or can do, that society needs or wants.

it's getting worse as time goes by...despair is the only word that can describe how I'm feeling now....I just can't pull myself out of this sh|thole that is my life...I have nothing that is going for me anymore...anyone that I love just leaves...or NEEDS to leave. I can't conduct myself in a manner in that is acceptable to ANYONE. I'm selfish. I could care less about anyone elses' feelings and it's quite apparent, by their actions, they can tell too.

I don't mean for these things to happen. They just do. I seem to have no control over my obsessions. In fact, they control me. I don't know who I am. Only who I think someone else wants me to be. Even still, whatever is telling me what others want me to be is totally wrong. Because, if it was right, then others wouldn't be so obsessed with figuring out how to get away from me.

I don't think that Jon or JJ or whoever the fnck I really am, can break through what this shell of myself will let me be. I don't know where I'm headed but I sure know where I've been and that road is full of potholes and wrong turns. I have NO direction in this life...........

What I want to do is so far out of grasp that I'll never attain the kind of happiness that seems to be reserved for the NORMAL people.

What kind of a test is life anyway? I've failed it, whatever it is. Can't some freak accident just administer the consequences of my actions? I'm too chicken sh|t to just end it. But, OH how I wish I could.