Rainbow- Yes- she is good and I think she knows what to do when I dissociate and am afraid of my feelings. There is a part of me that is glad I said the right things...and then there is the part of, not a very rational part of me, that wished I could have said exactly how I felt. But I would not have gotten far with her in that respect...right Kiya? I dont want to be all drugged up and that is the way I was starting to feel...Im not being very compliant today with the klonopin....

Kiya...can you believe she freakin slapped me? I had forgotten about that. No one, and I mean no one, knew how I felt about her. I was seen as this horrid daughter that didnt do enough for her. Or made trouble for her and probably killed her. And that is the God's honest truth about the way I know they feel to this day about me.

I can say that I trust people for the most part, but I am an expert at recognizing phony-ness in people and people who are less than genuine and authentic. I recognize it in a heartbeat in someone and it gives me such a horrible aversion to that person that it is difficult for me to see them in any other way once I dont trust them. Maybe its my borderline black/white thinking.

Brightheart- In my dream, I was looking for some good food, she was willing to take anything and steal it if she had to. I was looking for something that wasnt old and gross. My son is wonderful, he is mature and sensitive. Ftt said something about being the "middle child" which he is. They are the pacemakers and take care of others. I asked her if this is a dysfunctional thing. An she said no, not necessarily. We have a big family, but I dont want my kids to take on rigid roles if they dont have to. I do tell my son he doesnt have to clean up everyone else's mess so I dont get upset.

MUE- It is unbelievable that you said that to me about working on my parents. Let me tell you, this is my final frontier. You cant imagine how long I have been in therapy. Since 1979! I have worked on so many issues, so many, but I didnt get deepluy into my feelings about my parents. I could not, didnt know how or maybe I avoided it with crisis issues (food and addictions etc). When I was in crisis I couldnt go deep. I cannot believe I am working on them. I dont know how or what to bring up. This is totally new for me. I am just winging it. It is painful and hard and the truth is, I have really only worked on more recent events- when she was sick, her funeral. Bits and pieces I remember. This stuff is the tip of the iceberg. And I have barrely touched on issues with my father. Mabye after working on my parents I will be cured A finished product!