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Lately I have been so insecure. About 5 years ago I was anorexic. I was 40 pounds underweight and had had and ED pretty much all my life. I got on birth control when I was 17 and started gaining weight. I gained over 100 pounds and started hating the way I looked. About a year and a half ago I went through a mental break down pretty much and my ED came back with something fierce. I was going down the entire chain of EDs and lost a lot of weight and very quickly. I had a nearly 9 pound baby right before this btw. I ended up loosing 80 pounds within a 5 month period. I ended up getting help for it when it nearly killed me.
With the weight loss and the pregnancy, my body is no longer the pretty thing it once was. I have so much skin and so many stretch marks and hair. These things make me feel so terrible about myself. To the point where I wont let my boyfriend (who I am sexually active with) touch or even see anything, including just my stomach, under the shirt. I have a really pretty face when I am wearing makeup, and I feel like I am a liar. Like my boyfriend got suckered into this relationship by my face and didn't know the reality of my disgust.
The thing is though, I don't just think it's ugly. I feel like a man now and I hate it. I'm always feeling so masculine. It started with the stomach, mine reminds me of a man I saw on TV after loosing a lot of weight like me. I started feeling masculine only when I had my shirt off, was in a bathingsuit or something. Now it has me second guessing everything about myself.
I'm afraid I walk masculine, I talk like a man, I act like a man, I have the touch of a man and all. I'm already 5foot 9 inches so I am a bigger girl in the height range, and that also has made me feel insecure with myself.
If I was to be labeled as anything I would be a "girly girl". I am very proper, I don't like getting dirty, I like to clean and cook, I wear a lot of bright colors and pinks, I am 100% femanine mentally but physically I feel so masculine. I hate it.
I'm sorry to write this long post and complain the whole time, I don't have a t anymore and I just need to talk to someone. And I need some advice, I can't just keep feeling like a man. I hate it, it really impacts my life. It literally effects my every day routines now. I'm afraid to even look for a job right now because I'm looking for a serving job and am afraid to fill out the applications because I don't want the employers to tell me no because I was so masculine.
That is really how I feel for some reason. I need a job so I have gone in and faced my fear, but some days I let the fear take over and just couldn't go through with it. How do I get over this? How do I love myself again and how do I feel like a woman again?!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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