Echoes- This is very similar to what we do, except I am always in the position of being the police sergent and doling out consequences. It becomes too much. We have a few things that we assign and get consequences if they dont do it, such as no eating in the family room. The biggest change is that I have been more consistent and stick to the consequence. Any kind of cursing (especially at each other) or hitting (this is my older girls) they lose their phone and/or computer for 1 day. A good consequence for not cleaning up their room is that they are grounded. And boy does this work!

I very much like the matter-of-fact tone without the reminding. This is all what we had been working on, specific things, in therapy over the summer with my kids. And believe me, it is MUCH easier said than done. But we have improved and over time they know I am serious and I follow through on consequences. It is all so not easy.

What I wanted to say is that I used to read a lot of John Bradshaw. He used to do seminars on public television about family dynamics and the roles we play in our families. I forget the name of the book, but it has something to do with the roles of children in alcoholic/dysfunctional families such as the hero, scapegoat, mascot, caretaker etc and how the roles play out as adults. I remember really relating to that stuff.