Hi All!

I didn't really feel the need to post an update, but I was really concerned that someone would come in here who is desperate enough to quit drinking, and in reading current discussions, be turned off by the whole idea of sobriety, however they may find it. So I wanted to post a positive thread.

I have been sober for 107 days today thanks to the help I have received from Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I may have been able to be sober this long without the program, or in some other way, but this is what has worked for me. Before I got sober, I had an apartment. I had a car. I had friends. I had a just landed an excellent job with great pay. I had a lot going for me. But inside I was empty. I always thought that I had to do something for people to be my friend. I thought I was more fun when I was drunk. I thought the only way to get a man to like me was to let my boobs hang out so I'd be attractive, and the only way to get attention was to sleep with a guy the first time we hung out. I would say "on the first date" but I've never been on a date! My "dates" meant meeting at the bar, getting drunk, and having sex. Not being picked, given flowers, taken to dinner and a movie, and a kiss on the door step. When I was drinking, my ambition was zapped. I thought I was slated for only a few things in life. Work at LabCorp, be single, live in an apartment I hate 30 minutes away from work, SAY I was going back to school but not really believing it, drinking 6 or 7 beers on work nights, 12 packs or 3 pitures on the weekends, constantly struggle to loose weight, never get out of Tucson, working in the lowest parts of medicine, and never doing something I love or living somewhere I like. It got to the point where my idea of drinking cheap but not drinking alone was to be in chat having drinking contests with the guys. And being proud when I was a few beers ahead of them. I quit going out because it was too expensive. I was making plenty of money to live comfortably, but I was always broke, scrambeling to make sure I had enough money for beer. I disappointed my grandma and worried her sick, and she's 80. I never had any kind of relationship with my dad, and always blamed him for everything, instead of seeing that I didn't try either, and I was one hell of a brat of a daughter. I didn't want to go see him play in the band because I was afraid to get drunk in front of him, yet it got to the point where if he said, "Come down and I'll buy you a piture" I was there. I was down to 2 friends. I had everything going for me as far as economic security went, but anything else was nill. I suffered health issues and ended up in the hospital. I lost the man I've loved for over 10 years.

Then one day I said, while drunk off my arse, "We should quit drinking and go to AA" I was drinking with a friend and having a good time. He said, "We'll talk about it tomorrow." We did talk, and went to 3 meetings that day. Man was I miserable. I was hungover and couldn't have that beer to get rid of it. I always waited until about noon to have the "hair of the dog that bit me". Another beer, to cure the hangover. Noon was ok because it wasn't morning anymore. I'd look at that beer and be sick to my stomach and scared to drink it, but I drank it. Well that day, I didn't have the hair of the dog. And I haven't touched a drop since.

I started going to a meeting a day, sometimes more. I met people who are now my dearest friends. My real friends. They'll do anything for me, and I for them. If we don't talk, they call me. I got a sponser and started working the steps. I was able to finally take an honest look at myself. To see why I was so miserable in the past and why I drank. And once I saw those things, I started working on getting rid of them like a piece of stinky cheese in the fridge. I have lost 20 pounds. Not dieting, not excersise, just no beer. Granted, I was lucky and didn't fill the void with food and sweets. I feel amazing. No more nauseous mornings at work. No more drawing blood with shaky hands. No more heartburn. No more ANYTHING!! I'm not spending tons of money. I'm paying my bills. My days at work don't suck because now I realize, I GET to go to work. I GET to have a job and not be broke all the time. I GET to have the responsibilties of an adult, and all the benefits that come with that. I have extra money! And in December, I am moving to the apartments I have been dreaming about since childhood. Right across the street from work. Moving up literally, as they are on a hill that overlooks the city. I am considering going back to school, but this time to get out of science. This time to study photography, something I've always loved. I'll end up with a new career, or an awesome hobby, either way, finally doing something I love, instead of just rolling over and quitting.

I am 26 years old. My mom died when I was 20 and I have been miserable ever since. I quit. And now I'm back to life. I can say with absolute honesty and truth and gratitude, that I love my life now. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret my past, because it didn't kill me, and it made me stronger. Nearly 6 years of emptiness, unhappiness, thoughts of suicide, losing all hope, giving up completely. All turned into 107 days of pure and utter happiness and love for my family, friends and holy crap, MYSELF. I am now mending things with my family and friends, and am finding out they have always loved me even though I never thought they did. 6 years of hell, 107 of days of paradise.

I acheived this with the help of the program of alcoholics anonymous. I am still myself. I just let myself out of it's cage. I shine now. I still have my own thoughts and feelings. Some days I take a break and spend time with myself at home. Some days I don't go to meetings. I am not a prisoner. I am free. This is what has worked for me. There are those who suffer and die. Only 1% of us make it. And it's not about how you chose to do it. It's about how much you want it. It's about how much you believe you can't go it alone and achieve paradise. I believe in something now. I have a spiritual basis, and it's THAT believe, that reliance, that faith that has kept me sober and happy. Not AA. Not church. Not me. Not you. Not my parents. Not the court. Not Psych Central. I gave it up. I turned it over, and I quit fighting happiness when I realized I could let something else do the work.

Today I am truly greatful for my sobriety and my life and my ability to help others and be of service. It really is another day in paradise.

~Rayna