I didn't really know where this would go, I"m most comfterable posting here on in surviors forum..

I woke up at 4:30am this morning and lept out of bed in a start what triggered me I don't know the most logically explination is a dream, I launched out of bed shaking and having a panic attack, was jumpy, disoriented, and extremly pairnoid, I got up checked every lock in the house and tried to catch my breathe in the kitchen, it felt like everything was spinning out of control... I almost went to the hospital, considered waking up my parents and asking them to take me, then considered getting dressed and taking myself, finally I just slinked back to my room and rode it all out

I lapsed and self injured, then crawled into bed, I couldn't get to sleep, I tossed and turned and ended up leaping out of bed everytime I feel asleep....

I've been so jumpy all day, this impending sense of doom washing over me, I've been hyperviglient, every noise makes me jump and gasp in suprise, I feel myself isolating, withdrawing from everyone, parinoa creeping in my mind keeps telling me "trust noone"

I always get like this around Christmas and Easter, it doesn't help thsi week has been incredibly stressful and full of loss.

I"m scared I"m going to have a breakdown, I feel selfish for writing this, I keep telling myself I have to be strong its wrong of me to fall apart now people need me., one minute I"m okay and the next I'm falling apart again, my moods are going crazy, I feel I am going to fly off the handel, I'm so terrified of having one of my episodes (hallucinations, dislussions, extreme parinoa and isolation)

I just had to get it out, put it somewhere, lock it away in a box, or on paper in hopes it will leave me alone, it will all just leave me alone, wash away like a bad dream or a stain in the wash..

too many emotions, too many memories, too much stresss, too much fear....