Hello again, it's me...

Well, I'm not really sure where I'm at right now. Spent a day and a half fasting, and undid that in about 2 stupid hours! Grrr.... So I'm really frustrated, angry... but no purging, so I guess that's good? I don't know. Meh.

And Bill3 had enough insight to ask why I binge... This is sort of strange to admit... but I always have this incredible sense of emptiness and this idea that I am "inherently evil." You know, just one of those people "born" evil, there's not even a real reason for it. When I eat... I can actually visualize this hole, and I'm literally stuffing it all up with food. If you're feelin full, you're feelin something, right?

Yeah, you're feeling like crap.

God, I didn't eat anything today until dinner, and mom just had to bake a cake! No, it's still my fault because no one forced me to eat it. I was feeling pretty good until now; I feel like I'm crashing, can't focus, can't get a grip... I wonder why the only time I feel normal is when I'm not eating at all, which is obviously abnormal? Doesn't make sense!

Well, maybe I should spend less time rambling and actually answering some questions, right? Ummm.... my perfectionism is directed at myself for the most part. But I'm not a neat freak at all, which is kinda weird. It's mostly just how I perform... I'll never be the prettiest, or the most athletic, but I always hoped to be the smartest... which is absolutely absurd. Gym is just really horrible for me because I'm out of my element... and I can't stand exercising anymore; I'm terribly embarrassed to exercise even at home if anyone's around (and lately, there's always someone is around!). Haha... I always tell myself I'm "too fat to exercise." It's already difficult to accept your own weakness, but it's even worse if everyone else gets to see it too, you know? When I write, I don't show anyone; when I draw I keep things hidden. I don't want people criticizing me, telling me what a bad job I did. I'm always worried that I'm doing things the wrong way. And... I hate asking questions because it makes me feel dumb. Asking for help makes me feel needy and useless, but... I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm going to end up where I was 5 years ago at my lowest point...

Haha, I need to get myself to stop crying while I type this, otherwise my family will worry about me!