I get that too.

Sometimes I can do the calming stuff; sometimes, not.

I was wondering if it has to do with feeling safe.

The reason is, a few years ago I went to a biofeedback person at my university to learn how to calm myself. (The training is to raise the temperature at one's fingers -- very cool.) So I walked into the guy's office, sat down with his equipment, he attached the sensor to my fingertip, and I was still in a very tense state.

So he said "Here, you are safe. Outside, you may not be safe. But here, for this next 20 minutes, you are safe."

And then I could relax. Just him saying that made an amazing difference.

So I was wondering if maybe some of the reason I am sometimes afraid to get go of the anxiety is because I often don't feel safe. Because anxiety and agitation is a helpful, appropriate response to danger. If a sabertooth tiger is in the area, it's stupid to relax. (And in other times in my life, it would also have been stupid to relax, if you know what I mean.) So it may be that, now, my body just prefers to remain on alert most of the time.

Sometimes, now, when I'm feeling agitated, I can tell myself: "Wait, I am safe. I'm not married any more. My apartment is warm and dry. I can pay the rent. There is food in the cupboard. I am safe." And that reminder often does help me relax.

So, I do know what you mean about feeling afraid to be soothed. And I think that the above (feeling that it's safer to be on alert) is part of the "other angle" for me.

-Far