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I'm convinced that my actual presence or actions mean very little to her. In fact, I think it matters very little how she truly feels (which she likely doesn't even know), the importance is placed on her ability to control what I do.
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I think you hit the nail on the head, there. And I'm sorry that she has manipulted you into feeling so guilty--which, ironically, shows just how much you do love her. It's a pity she can't see past her need to make you her puppet enough to see how you do care and want to show your love.
Be well. There was probably no way to endure this holiday that would've made her happy. Looking at for yourself is the best you could do.