I'm back from my Christmas trip to see my family. Last Wednesday, I was celebrating my mother's birthday instead of being at my session with T, and I was missing T horribly! I had just seen T two days before that!

After several days with my family, my mother's narcissism seemed to reach an all-time high - so many little things added up. I only see my parents twice a year, as we live far away from each other. My mother definitely saw some changes in my behavior, and she didn't like them! I no longer was trying to take care of her every need, even though she definitely wanted me to! She was so needy, constantly wanting hugs and attention, to the point where she was smothering me and my brother. At night before bed, I'd picture my little 3-year old Dream, crawling up in T's lap and just being held by T - it made me feel so much better and safe. I didn't feel safe around my mother - I never knew what she was going to say or do. I've always felt that way, I'm just so much more aware of it now. At one point on Christmas Day, she came to me crying, and hugged me as she asked me why I don't like her anymore. I asked her why she said that, and she quickly blamed it on having a letdown from Christmas and on not feeling well. And then she said that I seem like I don't need her anymore, that I can take care of myself - I guess that's growth. I asked her if that wasn't what she always wanted - she didn't really answer me. This was after she had told me the day before that I had to be self-sufficient at too young of an age (I was left alone before and after school starting at age 9), and my mother said that maybe she didn't baby me enough.

Sorry, I'm rambling... point being, this transference sucks, because all I could do was think about how I couldn't wait to get back to T - she does everything my mother does not - T makes me feel safe, she takes care of me, she shows me compassion, she puts my needs first, she gives me a hug without wanting anything in return from me, and she pays attention and listens to me. I can't tell you how many times I'd have to repeat a question because my mother wasn't listening to me or just wouldn't acknowledge me, but God forbid I not pay attention to her!

I know I'm paying T to do her job, that's why this relationship with T is so confusing - these feelings of missing T are so intense, I don't like it! And these feelings of sadness and anger I'm having toward my mother are also so intense, I feel like this was the last straw, that I have truly lost any hope that she'll ever change.

I am so glad that I see T tomorrow and Wednesday - we have a lot to discuss!

So that's the latest with me. For those who celebrated, I hope you all had a great Christmas!