(( Dream))
I feel like i could have written this post myself I spent the christmas holiday with my uncle, aunt and cousins whom I have not seen in 5 years. I suppose this is a step up from spending the holiday alone last year. Though i didn't see my mother, she made it her duty to call me on Christmas eve and load all of her guilt on me. It's the same story all of the damn time. Her calls usually consist of, Sw628, why don't you just call me sometime. I know i haven't been a mother to you and there are so many years that i can't get back with you..blah..blah..blah. It ended in her sobbing and my anger,anxiety and sadness, through the roof. She is the textbook definition of a narcissist. I won't get into how cruel she was to me and the immense abandonment I had to endure. I will say that I WONT ever be attached to her or be her best friend.

Anyway, though i was happy to spend time with my uncle and his family, my time with them has been very saddening for me. It's like i've spent the last 5 days looking at my cousins have the childhood i never had. From their lavish christmas presents to the constant care and nurturing that they get from my aunt and uncle. At one point during dinner, my uncle had to cut up my 8 year old cousins food. I guess this really triggered me because i just kept thinking that when i was 8, i was riding city busses alone and a latchkey kid. I didn't have anyone cut up my food or baby me for that matter( just like you Dream). It's been so painful.

Before I left, T did let me take the blanket that we keep in her office i suppose for some comfort during our break. That's fine, but i feel like i keep wanting T to be something she's can't ever be. This really hit me as I was so distraught by my mothers phone call and seeing my uncle that I sent T a message on Christmas Eve asking to phone her for a little support. She responded with, " It's only been a few days". I was so shocked that i'm considering whether or not I will return to therapy.

Long story short, Dream i know exactly where you are. I'm happy that you will see T soon and talk about the holiday.