Wow, I guess I'm not the only one who feels like you do right now! I was officially dx with BP about 3 years ago, when the oldest of my five boys was graduating highschool. I have done the whole self-medicating thing and denial and self-blame and, and, and. You are not broken or defective, you are just who you are! There are gifts to be found when you accept your difference. I have known most of my adult life that something was wrong, but because my mother was a self-medicating BP and abusive, I felt like if someone dx me as BP, then I WOULD end up like my mother. I too had a very difficult time with the dx.

I get frustrated with the meds and med changes. I just happen to be BP w/ Major Depressive Disorder and BPD. I have been treated for depression since I was 15, but no one took the time to look at what was going on at home. If someone had intervened long ago- well, I don't know. Maybe I would be a little ahead of the game now. Instead, I'm 43 and just now learning what this is all about.

Don't give up on your treatments or counseling. If something does not work, then by gosh TELL YOUR DOC! There is too many options to just settle for whatever your doc has had the best luck with. Not everyone can take the same thing or combination of things. Keep posting, keep learning, keep going!