Those are probably the most important three words in treating this illness:

Don't give up.

On top of all the stuff that occurred which I described above, I had already been working on issues from growing up as a child of two alcoholic parents, in addition to being bipolar. I started studying the ACOA stuff a long time ago and until recently believed I had most all of my challenged covered.

Then, at the oddest, most unexpected time, an issue popped up out of the clear blue (I kid you not) which created great difficulty for me. I was doing a small bit of research and discovered that I most likely had bipolar illness as a child. Now, the characteristics of bipolar children are not pretty, as they frequently throw tantrums, defy authority, are extremely difficult to discipline, are even often very bright and difficult to reason with. They often show signs of separation anxiety far beyond the age that is normal for an older, more socialized child.

With these types of behavior problems and the strict, disciplinary style my mother had, our confrontations frequently came to very deep spankings that excalated into beatings when my siblings weren't around. All these beatings did was create fear and horror in me and kill any chance of trust I had in my mother, the woman who was raising me. I know that she was overwhelmed and did not know what else to do with me.

But I was finally able to learn where those horrible feelings of not being wanted and not belonging came from that those pans had for mel.

Take care and be so careful!