Do all you can to find a way to stay on your meds, Contact doctors, your pharmacy, your local mental health association, search on online for the drug companies, anything! Somebody has got to have information for those with mental illnesses who can't afford their meds. Trying to survive without the right medication is next to impossible. If it were do-able that would mean we could all just will away our symptoms and we all know that this illness is not a matter of having the right attitude or giving enough effort. It is good that you are still talking about what is going on with you instead of clamming up like I tend to do. You are reaching out instead of giving up. Hang in there and keep talking.