Hi Hub,

I read that you have only been married 5 months and have moved to a new country and have recently transitioned from earning a masters degree and are in a job search. Those are a LOT of changes. Any one of those alone would require many, MANY adjustments for each of you individually, let alone as a couple and/or going through all of them at the same time. It is not surprising that you are experiencing difficulties defining roles.

Question: Are you and your wife from different social backgrounds? Did your wife customarily do the type of things you are requesting her to do before the two of you were married? In other words, are you asking her to do things that she does know how to do but is simply choosing not to do or has she in that past relied upon paid domestic help to do? Can you come up with a rational explanation as to why your requests for help from her are being mostly ignored? I know you are having feelings of frustration and other emotional responses due to her not helping you, but if you could put those feelings aside for a moment, can you think of any reasons why she is not doing what you ask?

Several thoughts have entered my mind. Some of them may be totally wrong or way out of line. But I will say them simply for consideration.

1) If your wife comes from a home life where there was domestic help, she may feel inadequate or have an aversion to doing household "chores" or duties. She may feel that it is beneath her or even that the skills she has are not adequate. Did you have domestic help growing up?

2) As a new bride, she may feel that she has many inadequacies. Is it possible that you are a bit of a perfectionist and she may feel intimidated by your demands and not even want to try to please you?

3) Is it possible that she is simply too imature to realize that she has entered into an adult relationship and it comes with adult duties, such as cleaning house, preparing meals, and assisting you in your initial efforts to become the breadwinner in the family (primary income producer)?

I agree that the communication between the two of you must improve but am not sure that it will without the assistance of a therapist. This is a very difficult time for both of you and it would be very helpful if you could seek the help of a therapist or minister to get through these issues.

I wish you much luck.