Okay, now we have established that you are seeing that she is not what you expected she would be after you married. Just for information purposes, when you were dating and you started have have serious feelings for her, did you start to observe how she was and how you could predict and or communicate with her in a lifetime relationship such as marriage? If you were not seeing how she would fit into this role, think back to what you were thinking... the $30,000 US dollars question is... what were you thinking when dating? What did you do on your dates if you did not share activities such as cooking together, discussing problems together? I am not trying to invade the more private aspects of a marriage. Obviously that part's fine or you would have mentioned it at least in passing.

You have both have a lot of opportunities here. This is an unusual situation as most people make sure the person they are going to marry would at least have the basics of a relationship down before they walked down that isle.

I knew one guy that liked a passive woman because he wanted a wife he could sort of "train" as his life partner without having to have to undo other people's bad habbits. He was a controlling man and proud of it. He married several times until he realized this. When he deployed to Korea, he was in heaven... he is still married to his third wife of 24 years because she was passive, eager to please, but he actually had to step by step train her in a lot of the things he liked... from the way to successful comforting, to cooking...he even had his mom teach her all his favorite dishes. And you know what? It worked! It worked because she was trained by her family and culture at the time because she was "trained to be trained" in marriage. As an unexpected result, they are always together...she even runs his eye clinic. Never see 'em apart. They have an unusually close relationship. By the way, when he trained her, he was very gentle and loving and used his incredible sense of humor in doing so...this resulted in not a tear from her eye unless... well, they actually came up with a sort of marriage motto for themselves... "when one of us cries, the other tastes salt". But you know, it's their own unique style. Not saying you are controlling or anything but just an example of how they worked it out.

I think Vickie's idea about marriage counseling is a good one...even if you have to talk to one alone to be able to find the best way to introduce this idea to her...that's what they are there for. When I finally understood your unique position, I had to admit, it's unique. When I get into a serious relationship and we both know we are serious, it seems we both are seeking to know, is this the one.

I know this advise is unusual coming from a lesbian like myself, but relationships are relationships as far as that goes.

I keep picturing you as an engineer of some sort, just the personality in your posts...are you by chance an engineer?

Oh, and BTW, a good place to start working on the marriage is what is working right and going from there...this does not have to be a lost cause...a challenge, but some people like the challenges in life...I know I do.

Looking forward to reading your response.