Well, it's been a long week... and a lot of gaining weight, so I don't know... I must say, even with all my binging, my body's quite resilient and I've only gained 5lbs net. But my weight fluctuates so much, with fasting and binging all the time, so I don't know.

Goodness, you'd think that there wouldn't be so much fuss over 20 pounds! But who knows, I'd probably want to lose more even if I got to a "healthy" weight (now my BMI says I'm overweight because I gained 5lbs. ). But I think it was Sunday night/Monday morning I sort of realized that it's impossible for me. Everyone in my family's obese, so considering that I'm about 5 pounds overweight is pretty good I guess... Although that won't last long because, you know, the binging...

Bill3: I'd never really connected the two ideas before, but maybe they're related. I just always see myself as this soulless machine, this cold, calculating thing. Usually, I'm perfectly content staying out of people's lives, or just observing things. And... I'm just evil--purely evil--because I'm not worth caring about no matter what I do. I know it has to do with my oldest brother and my parents... It's just a long and messy story.

Oh, at my lowest point... Um, I was 240lbs. then, which is embarrassing to admit... but thankfully hardly anyone knows that since my family's moved so much and I cut all ties with my childhood "friends." But when I was 12 I tried killing myself a few times and I told my math teacher that my brother was molesting me. Like she believed me--she didn't even report it. Anyways, I told my mom that I confided in my math teacher, she got upset, took me to a pdoc who put me on Prozac, got a professional T I visited every Monday for 6 months and had to check in with the school counselor 2x a week. It's kind of hard to remember because I was so mentally checked out. But I remember that my pdoc changed my Prozac capsules to pills, and didn't bother to mention I only needed to take one instead of 2, so I OD'ed on Prozac and really flipped out. She (and my mom) yelled at me, accused me of trying to get buzzed (off Prozac? which isn't that really dangerous to give to a 12 year old anyway?) so I stopped taking my meds and haven't taken any since, haven't really sought out any help again... And my school counselor totally humiliated and lied to me, so I stopped seeing her. Besides, obviously my problem wasn't the abuse, but it was because I was fat, according to my T and pdoc. I can't even count how many times doctors told me I was just too fat (I broke my wrist once, and my doctor said "well, the bigger they are the harder they fall!" But I actually have a calcium deficiency according to my dentist.) But after all this mess, I lost a lot of weight, a little more than 80lbs. in 4 months, so that was good. I think everyone sort of figured that the depression was just a "stage" I went though which is what I wanted them to think. The people that got involved didn't help things at all, I helped myself by losing weight. And I think the next 3 years I had a 4.0 GPA and was doing quite a bit better. But I think I gained like, 20 lbs. over these years, and that's when I started freaking out about my weight again... And since then, I've pretty much been stuck at the same weight, becoming complacent, and gaining weight back... and freaking out and losing it again. Plus, I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with how I look and my weight, even though this (the weight I was last week!) had been my "goal" weight back when I was 12.

Sorry that was so long, but... it's just a long story. I guess I'm just wound-up today to spend so much time writing that.