Wow....am I glad I posted this last night, because I had to be reminded. What an amazing way we have of flipping ourselves over. I had a rough day. I almost didn't want to post that, because I didn't want to take away from the positivity, but I think I should because for me, the rough days just reaffirm our commitment to ourselves that we truly deserve happiness.

I won't go into to a heck of a lot of detail because it's real simple. Last night about an hour after I posted my story, my strength and hope, I was consumed by obsession. All it took was for me to get a little too hungry, too tired, too lonely, and I was drinking water and I finished the bottle of water, and downing that last sip of water from the bottle made me wish it was beer. Suddenly I was gripped with the overwhelming wish to drink. Luckily, I immediatly turned to the tools I have learned over the last 108 days. I immediatly told my friend online who was viewing my webcam, (talk about humility). I immediatly steped back and saw what had caused my momentary weakness. Hungry, tired etc. First thing this morning, I told my best freind in the program, then I told another. I told my coworker. Talked to my friend on lunch, talked to my sponser after work until I got to my friend's house, went to a meeting, and talked to my friend all the way home. I realized that man, when the going gets great, that's the easiest time to slip. I think my higher power was reminding me of how close I am to the edge, even in utter happinesss. I have been fighting toothe and nail, but I pulled through without a drop! I asked for a sign that I was still being watched over....and the most beautiful moon hung in the sky. It's been rainy, and the quarter moon was surrounded by mist and thin clouds, with a planet above it. I knew instantly, that was my sign. Suddenly I could see the beauty in everything again. Suddenly I felt a bit better. I had to run out to my car (while still on the phone hehe) to get my book so I got to look at it again. The obsession is lifting again. I had gotten so comfortable....I'd forgotten how close to the edge I could be at a moments notice. And I'm so thankful for this. Because it takes me back and reminds me that just because things are going my way and I'm happy, that I'm not cured of this. And I was able to hang on to yet another day. I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. But it's going away. =)

The reason I posted this is not to contradict everything I wrote in that post. I don't want to scare anyone off who may be reading in silent misery and make them think, what's the point? She posted all this hope and now she's suffering. I truly hope that no one takes it this way. My point is to let everyone know that there will be days where it's not paradise. There will be days when we fight tooth and nail and struggle to stay above water. Well I've learned that the fight to live is quite endearing, and quite well worth it. Because you know what? Tomorrow I can look back and say, wow, I do know how to do this. I will survive. I needed to share this, really so I could tattle on myself. Because it's through the fellowship, through asking for help, that I have acheived all that I have.

Thank you all so much for your words. I needed to read these words, especially today, to remind myself that all I have worked for can not go in vain. To remind me to honour you all, and to thank you wholeheartedly for being a part of my sobriety.

With much love,
~Rayna