Thank you for sharing so much of your story.

I'm so sorry to learn of your sexual abuse. I'm so sorry that you had to experience the excruciating pain and humiliation that accompanies sexual abuse.

To try to think a little bit further about feeling empty and feeling evil:

You feel emptiness means being a "cold, calculating thing", a "soulless machine". In other words, you feel inhuman, devoid of emotion.

You sense that your feelings of being inherently evil go back to sexual abuse by your brother. It sounds like you felt so worthless and were so unprotected at that time that you eventually decided that you are inherently "not worth caring about" no matter what you do. And you still feel that way.

Victims of sexual abuse often feel devoid of feelings, often feel empty. When having feelings means having excruciating pain, pain that adults in the environment won't or can't stop, then people often find ways not to have feelings, to bury feelings. Avoiding feelings, burying feelings is normal under such painful, shattering, humiliating circumstances.

I am interested in hearing more of that story, if you wish to speak more about it.

With regard to your weight: it sounds like your current weight was, for some time, within a range that you could accept. Lately, though, the range that you can accept has begun to change. As a result, you are beginning to feel newly enhanced shame and depression, which is expressing itself in multiplied incidents of disordered eating but also seems to have roots in the sexual abuse.

What is your thinking about the above?