I know that the heart goes where the heart wants. I know also that loving (in any way) an alcoholic hurts. It hurts our hearts, it hurts our self esteem, it hurts everything and everyone they touch. As much as you worry about him, care about him, and hurt for him, please believe that you can only help yourself, you cannot help him. He has to help himself. I speak from experience and knowledge gained from that experience. The reasons you stay involved in his life are your own and no amount of explaining to anyone will make anyone understand. I can sit here and tell you that you do not deserve to be talked to in the way he speaks to you, and while that is true it will not change your heart. What you do need to understand, though, is you cannot do anything to change him. You cannot do anything to change his rejection of you, his verbal abuse of you. What you can do, though, is not believe the rejection of you--whatever form it comes in. If he says hurtful and negative things, reach inside yourself for the belief that he is wrong. If he physically rejects you, do not think it is because there is something wrong with you. Alcoholism is what is wrong and it is wrong with him, not you. Unfortunately I know all too well the pain and sense of helplessness you are feeling. Right now, the best thing you can do is to work on you, belief in yourself, belief that as much as you love him and care about him, you need to love and care about yourself more and he needs to love and care about himself before he can love and care about you.