I had this weird dream about ftt and that was how I started today's session. I dreamed that We were in a different office than usual and other male therapists kept coming and out of the room. Finally ftt began fighting with them and was getting nasty with them to stop coming in and out of our session. She went to get a supervisor and then 2 men came in and one man told me to kill the other one so I did. He left and then ftt came back and we were left with this dead body in the room and I was thinking how I could get away with this murder and I'll get the death penalty for killing him.

There was a lot she said about the dream, but also that we do talk about my parents, esp my mother, who is dead, and how she is stull hurting me and I am afraid of her hurting me even tho she is dead.

We moved on to the some things that I had never connected to my childhood before but it is such a relief to know that it comes from trauma, not from some strangeness or badness of my character. That is comes from something real. I had fears as a child of leaving my room (when I was home in my house) and leaving any of my posessions out of my room. A fear I took with me into my 20s when I had a huge apt and lived out of basically 1 room. I still have small twinges of this fear when it comes to one of the larger rooms in my house. But it is not so strong and she gave me some good grounding things to say to myself. The fears I had and the way I reacted to the friends I had and friend's parents all make sense now. I had this huge fear of my friend's fathers and a huge fear of one particular relative who I think reminded of my father. I dont think he ever did anything bad to me. These fears were incapacitating to me as a child and Id do anything to get around them. I cant even describe what a feeling it was to talk in therapy about these things. And it isnt as if I longed to talk about it. I just never could put these fears into words or recognize them as fears. I feel so much freer.

We moved on to my husband and the way he triggers me. We talked about the work we had done previously in couples therapy. For my part, I am hugely triggered by the feeling that he doesnt value me or the work I do in the house with my children. And it doesnt mean that he doesnt value me, it just means that I feel that way. We talked about his attitude toward me taking "breaks" and doing for myself. She gave me such thoughtful insight into the possible reasons he says the things he does. I have been talking about him for 3 months now, so she knows him somewhat. Tonight I was so excited to go to a yoga class that was held at a good time for me. It was more breathing and meditation and that was what I needed tonight. The class went longer than it was supposed to and I got home late. When I came home he asked me where I went and I told him, he gave me a look and said he wished he could go. As if I play and he works. I often feel devalued by his remarks. Which is what triggers me. He doesnt say what I want him to say, which is how nice it is that I am doing something to soothe myself, no, he says what HE wants and is jealous he doesnt make time to do yoga for himself. So...what ftt told me to say when he does this is, "yes, it is a good class, yes, it would be great if you could go or we could go together." Instead of getting upset because I know he would not have wanted me to go out.

We ended by going back to my family of origin and how I cannot recall feelinjg any feelings of wanting my mother or missing her. Not even when I began kindergarten. I remember feeling relieved when she left me at school. I did have a memory of being at a friends house for a Camp Fire Girls meeting (does anybody remember Camp Fire Girls?) and the girls mother was so perfectly dressed and sweet and comforting to me when I was afraid of the Dark Shadows tv show that was on tv. She offered me cookies and asked me if I was OK (or something like that). She had a perfect house and perfect flowers in her yard and I wanted to move in with my friend Sally. It was the only time I can remember wanting a mother. I said I felt like it was impossible for me to access sad feelings in regard to family. I have always felt I didnt care and I hated the idea of family and I think that is what will come out if my 8 yo journals. Just a wall of "I dont care." I did get a bit teary when I talked about how I felt sad being afraid of everyone's father's and I just didnt want to be this way. I just wanted to be normal and not a child that was afraid and spent so much energy making sure I didnt go near a father-like man. I have never gone there in therapy before. This is big for me. I am afraid to go there, but I need to. I felt so much peace at my yoga class this evening, just feeling connected to my body and my life and the story of who I am and how I got to this place.