I've been this way my entire life, but I hid it for 27 years until I finally got help in April 2008.

Now, it's like it's taking over my life. Every day I'm reminded that I'm crazy.

I'm so overmedicated it's insane, but every time I ask to drop a med or lower a dose she says no. My life revolves around what time I take one teeny little pill, because it basically knocks me dead for 12 hours. Oh yeah, and the Zyprexa I took up until May made me gain 80 pounds and almost diabetic. Lovely.

I'm just so sick of being sick. I just want to be normal.

I don't want to have a g* d* pharmacy of a gazillion pills and vitamins and supplements in my cabinet. I had to buy a bigger Sun-Sat container to hold them all, the one I had was too small.

I don't want to have to constantly question the way I think, and try to reframe every thought. I just want to be normal. I want to think normal.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the point where I wasn't in treatment, where nobody knew I was crazy, where I just hid it and somehow life went on as if nothing was wrong. Not even my husband knew. I hid it well.

But when I went really crazy I announced to the whole flipping world that I was crazy. Family, extended family, all my Facebook friends, everyone on my email contacts list, my employer....I told EVERYONE. Why, I have no idea. But now they all know. And nothing will take that back, ever.

I will never be normal.