So as the New Year begins so do a lot of new things that are going to happen.

I have decided over this winter break that everything that is slowly destroying me and causing me so much pain and stress and in just every way dragging me down needs to be said.

Over this break I had a sleepover with my 3 best friends and my twin sister and it started off as truth or dare but since it was so late and no one wanted to get up we just did truths the whole time. My sister asked me if I ever ate because to be honest with all of you I don't eat near as much as I should and I work out very long and hard for multiple hours a day. Then they all expressed there concerns with me and I listened.

Then as time passed my friend asked everyone what is one secret your willing to share with all of us. Things got really intense and deep very quickly. When it came to me I decided I was going to tell all of them my secrets because these people are my best friends in the world and have never done anything to break my trust so I knew I could trust them.

The friend that was sitting next to me knew most of this because I had confided in her over the summer. So heres my secret.....

I told them that I had been seeing a psychologist at school because things for me had gotten so bad and that they don't need to know the details but just that I was seeing one. The night went on and I ended up telling them why I had been going to see him and I am so glad I did.
I told them everything that was going on...and being at home was one of the hardest things for me to do and I was getting way to stressed and I told them the very stupid things I've done to try and cope with the reality of life. I told them about the alcohol and the suicide attempts and the pills that I was taking just to try and cope with life.

Then after I was done my best friend in the entire world started crying and I have never seen her cry before in the years that I've known her and she just started crying and it hit me so hard. She came over and sat next to me and at that point I was crying and so was everyone else in the room. (so much for the fun filled sleepover) Seeing her cry made it real to me that if I don't do something to fix life and make improvements and try and mend all the broken relationships with my family I'm not going to make it to college because what I'm doing now could kill me. So she made me promise her that I would stop taking the pills and call her whenever I felt the need and we would talk.

Then we all decided together that it would be best to tell the psychologist at school all this information. Once we go back to school were meeting with him and I'm having 2 of my best friends come with me. So we e-mailed him that night and I asked him if we could meet after break and it's going to happen now and I'm more scared than anything in the world.

With the stuff I'm going to say he is required to tell my parents because it involves harming myself. I am afraid to tell him but I will I have my friends right there so I know I can do it but I am completely down right terrified for my parents to find out because as far as there concerned I'm just this happy go lucky person all the time...but it's all a lie.

With talking with my friends and sister there is a mix of different feeling going through the room about all of this. My friends think I need to do this for me and so I can get help and get better and become a happier person. My sister also agrees with them but she is afraid that it is going to crush my mom. She also thinks that I am going to be treated differently because of this and my family will get overly protective of me. After her saying all this she is not sold that I should be saying anything.

So I'm not 100% sure what to do. I know I should let this all go because it's taking a toll on me and wearing me down so much but on the other hand I know my sister is right and it's going to crush my mom and things are definitely going to change. I don't want to hurt my family and I don't want things to get worse than they are now but I have failed so bad as a daughter and a sister and I want to make things right.

I'm scared for the tension that's going to be in my house and the awkward situations that I will have to face. I don't want to see my mom cry and I don't want her treating me like I'm crazy or that I have a problem and theres something wrong with me.

Any advice on what to do the day that the psychologist calls my parents and they find out everything I have tried so hard to keep hidden from them?? I don't think I will be going home the day they find out but I'm not sure that is the best thing to do but everyone needs a little time to let things sink it.

I am so scared......
Thanks for reading I know it's long
<3 Morgan <3