Quote:
Originally Posted by skeksi
This reminds me of something. You know how the people who worry about something tend to be the ones who least need to worry? I'm a teacher and the kids who worry most about getting bad grades are the ones who don't need to worry about it, but their anxiety won't let them see it. That strikes me as what's going on for all of us here. I bet people who really are "bad" never worry that they are.
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Yes- On some level I feel the need to be hypervigilant that I am doing the right thing, tell the truth and do good to be sure no one sees the real me, which is intrinsically bad and deserving of punishment. Once they see the real, bad me, they will know who I really am and who I have been hiding. I am a bad girl hiding behind the facade of a nice person.
Tree I can so relate to this. When I told ftt about the dream and how I always feel like a criminal deserving of punishment, in an odd way, I felt shame. As if she will understand me now, I AM a criminal and I really am this bad and I have told her so. She will know me now.
Skeksi- I also struggle with separating what my feeling of it is (that I feel like a bad girl. I should be ashamed of being so bad and deserving of punishment) and the intellectual understanding of abuse and that I am not responsible. That I am not bad. Even if I understand it, if I feel that I am bad, then I must be bad. Getting from intellectual understanding to feeling understanding seems like a long road.....