My session with T last week was productive. I talked about the things that were bothering me about destructive things in my past (of a sexual nature)...trying to understand how those things could've happened to me....

He explained how I was an easy target - a rebel with a troubled home life, wanting attention any way I could get it, pushing limits, etc.

I'm still having trouble with it all....and I'm sure it will take quite a bit of work to retrain my thinking and work through all the feelings that I have....It makes me sometimes dread that my T sessions are so short because there's so much left unsaid....there's just too much to deal with.

Anyway, one question I asked was how to make it stop happening to me....He mentioned that working through it will help that, now that I'm an adult...and that just because I left an unhealthy relationship doesn't mean I don't have unhealthy instincts. I was disappointed, saying that as an adult I should know better. He asked how I could possibly know better when it wasn't taught to me, modeled to me and I've never lived it....

Sooo.....

Yesterday, I was in a situation with a guy that's been hitting on me in a very direct way. He's a close friend of the family, but a wild character. Not my type at all.

Yet, we ended up alone at my sisters house for several hours. I do not like to be touched....but I do yearn to be held, kissed, shown affection. One thing led to another, and well, things happened....just as they would've happened when I was a teenager (kissing, leading to him having a "ahem, situation"...and me "taking care of it orally")...The unhealthy instincts surfaced....

As gross as it sounds, in the midst of it all, I thought of T - and the things we talked about - and became extremely disgusted with myself for being in the situation I was in.

Afterwards, I felt so awkward....it was awkward. We sat on separate sides of the couch....watched TV...had something to eat. He then left, giving me a kiss on the cheek. Ugh.

And on top of that, I felt so awful - like I had just cheated on my husband.....yet I've been separated from my husband for 9 months, divorced for almost 3.....It was the first sexual encounter I had since we split up....and I am so disgusted with myself.