Well I asked for a deeper session and my T gave it to me. We focused on that trigger of that women doing anger therapy in another T's office next door, her yell and all those beating sounds.

It is weird because so much happened, it feels rather jumbled or surreal when I try to think about the sequences of events and where it led.

When we started I was getting frustrated because I kept going blank trying to feel some of that scary sound of rage of that other women. My T told me to quit trying so hard and trying to force things to happen. I remember her asking me what happens when I do that in other circumstances and I am not even sure what I said. Then she asked me what the opposite of it was, and I said doing nothing. She asked what that meant, and I said being a victim. Then I got frustrated again and made a grrr sound and then she has me focus on THAT feeling and it brought me right to the past of when I was being burned by my mom and how I couldn't fight her off me. on how I felt trapped and couldn't move. When that came up, she could see something I was feeling and I could barely tell her, in fact I said she didn't want to know. She asked me if I could tell her and I did but I could barely talk.
Then things get a little fuzzy and weird because we focused on every little feeling that was coming up and it led other places.

Then if finally led somewhere really dark and I warn those who are not doing well, do not read on...please.

*******major triggers****

Somehow it got to me feeling like I wanted to die. Now she said these were old feelings I was feeling right now, that I was now safe. But we focused more on that feeling and I said it was like my body didn't exist, like it was a ghost floating fading in and out. Then somehow I saw myself in a coffin dead. I saw my kids looking at me with sad faces. She asked me how I felt seeing myself in a coffin and I said I feel peaceful, that I had to no longer feel my pain of the past. Then images came to me trying to kill myself and how when I was a child i really didn't know how to end my life, but I did now. I didn't like physical pain of trying to kill myself, so I would drive into my garage and shut the door and keep the motor running. Then fall asleep.

Now lots was going on with with me and my T and I don't remember exactly what happened and when, it was so intense.

She asked me what would I miss if I died and I said my kids-just my kids. She tried to ask me about my pets and I said I would miss them, but not like my kids. I told her I had nothing else.

She then asked if she could come closer and tap on my knees. She was trying to bring me down from this. We focused on the my safe spot of being on the lake with my father. The feelings of all that. One of the feelings was being rocked and when I said that I made the movement of rocking a baby. ( I didn't realized this till now) It was so hard because I kept seeing myself in a coffin. But eventually I let go of that image and was okay. I wasn't dissociating much but felt this swirling, moving sensation going through out my body.

She asked me if I was okay and not going to drive into my gargage or anything on the way back from my appointment. I said I couldn't, she looked at me strange and I said there was too much crap in my garage to drive in. We both laughed and I said that I wasn't going to do anything stupid. She said, you do know that I have to ask, right. I said yes, but I will be fine. She told me that a lot of stuff is probably going to come up, and it is bad she wanted me to focus on my safe spot instead. She wanted me to write, but not the on the bad stuff. If somehow I couldn't let go of that dark feeling I am suppose to call her.

I remember her asking me if I realized how brave I was for doing this and how huge it was and how this is going to help me. I said I wanted to believe her. She said she would take that. She told me she was proud of me. I was still feeling weird, almost a surreal feeling. As I was leaving She kinda hit my chest with her arms, almost like she wanted to show some kind of affection for me, kinda like a pat on the back, but different. I was feeling rather tired and I probably was being very dead faced serious, which isn't like me at all. But I was okay. We went way past my session time I noticed when I got back to my car. Normally I watch the clock but I didn't even see the clock this time, heard the ticking though.

My creativity is soaring since last night, it is helping me write a non fiction essay about my dad and me on the lake, that has a good chance of getting published. Since this session it has given me depth to my story emotionally instead of intellectually. Trauma is stored in the right side of the brain which is where creativity usually comes from, so unlocking the trauma has also unlocked some of the memory of feelings of being on the lake with my dad.

But I am feeling, what the heck happened to me in that session? I wonder what she is thinking about it. It still feels surreal to me.