I guess that's the only word to describe how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I don't have an identity. All I do is sit around and make excuses. I'm the worlds greatest procrastinator. I have these moments of clarity where everything seems so simple and easy, and I tell myself they're nothing but thoughts, if you can't control your own brain then what CAN you control. I stick my chin up and my chest out ready to change my existance into something meaningful but repeatedly lose my gumption at the last moment. Everyone around me just thinks I can snap out of it.

My mother, who once suffered from depression herself, told me I should "get a life". She says how embarassing I am, how all of her friends talk about their kids doing this and that and she has nothing to say about me. I believe she's starting to become depressed again. She has been increasingly critical of me, and is "losing patience" with my depression. I feel like my own problems are now impacting my loved ones. This in turn makes me feel even worse and I'm back to square one.

I just want this to be over with. Like I wanna just wake up tomorrow and have a job, a place to be. Something that validates my existance. I feel like if I died tomorrow, not a single thing in the world would change and my funeral would only have like 6 people there. I don't know how I let myself slip into this place. At this time last year I was brimming with confidence, working full-time, in a loving relationship and my mother was proud of me. Now, well.. yeah. I lost it all. First I lost my job, then my confidence started slipping, then I lost my love, and my confidence hit rock bottom.

I should be over this by now. I should be on with my life by now and not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm trapped in this emotional quicksand where every time I try to pull myself out of it I sink deeper. I just want to be better.