(((((hope4me2)))))

You say you hate yourself, you are hating the wrong thing! Hate the situation, not yourself.
You can control the stiuation, but not as long as you have the attitude that you hate yourself. Try reverse thinking, and love yourself, and then maybe you will have better success with your goals.
Set your goals within reason, short, and long term goals, and when you reach one of them, pat yourself on the back, brag about what you have acomplished, and your attitude will also change about your self-esteem!
Respectfully,

SongBird, aka Dan