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originally from my blog, but I figured I might as well make it a post...
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I felt like ramble that…
I wish when people ask me how I’m doing I would answer that “I have an all consuming fiery hatred for myself and if there weren’t so many damn consequences I’d cut myself up” instead of “fine”
Being myself is very painful lately. Though I don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Damn it, being validated was supposed to be a good thing, and in theory it is, but clinging to denial for dear life as a survival technique… while working in the past, is just causing more conflict now. I do not trust the other parts of me, or even myself, constantly on the lookout for betrayal as I’ve been betrayed too many times in the past.
Though despite it all I’m going to keep trying to fulfill my goals for the year. Time doesn’t care about you, and I don’t care if I hate myself anymore…. I can’t wait anymore to love myself in order to take care of myself. To take care of myself is not a matter of care but a matter of avoiding the negative consequences of not caring. In other words… I hate myself but I hate health risks, pressure from others, and lack of progress even more. At least if I do something and still hate myself, at least it’s better then what I’m doing now… that is, being unhealthy on several levels and not doing anything about it.
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