Yes, agreed, rohag!
Also, if you hate health risks, Kaika, some little part of you doesn't hate you. In fact Ii am willing to bet that it's not so much YOU you hate but soemthing about you or something you do.... It might be just as devastating, and just as frustrating, but if there is something in ther helping you avoid hurtful things, that something can be connected to to help you, and that something can grow. I know how it is to hate one'self, hon. Waste of energy, but a powerful drive. I wish you the best in besting it.