I must warn that this is an absurdly long read, and I understand if not many people want to look at it. If you plan on posting, just post saying you are going to read it that way I don't feel ignored, then post any advice, comments, or thoughts when you get the chance

Hello everyone, I'm Zac. I'm a 19 year old male and I have depression. I've been depressed for about 2 years now, although I only started seeing a psychiatrist right before Christmas 2009. Here is my story, in bullet form, because I think its easier to organize things that way.

• I'm an avid gamer, and very competitive, however starting about 2 and a half years ago, I started getting very frustrated when things would go wrong. When you play online games, sometimes the internet itself can make inconstancies in gameplay. These issues also serve as a rather nice scapegoat for frustration when you aren't playing well, even if they aren't entirely to blame. Over time I would get upset to the point of yelling, or throwing things. On occasion I would yell at people. This is kinda the first nail in the metaphorical coffin so to speak

• I went to a College Prep School and was in the International Baccalaureate (also known as IB, a prestigious higher education program, with a rather intense curriculum) and a similar, but not as wide scale, but similar Advanced Placement (AP) program. Both programs (at our school) worked hand in hand for a much harder curriculum,and culminated in many standardized tests at the end of our schooling.
• (this is why I put the little red X in the title, so this is as "bad" as it gets) Towards the 2/3rds point of my senior year, my father and I had an altercation. We had always butted heads, not gotten along ect, more than normal Parent-teenager relationships. In this altercation, it was getting later at night, and I was getting excessively frustrated with my game, and was getting really, really loud. My father to shut up because my mom was trying to sleep. I continued to be loud. My Father stormed out of the room grabbed me out of the chair and started shoving me around. He was getting in my face and yelling, insulting me. We had a shoving match (I was trying to get him off of me) he pushed me back into my chair and started strangling me. I eventually pushed him off and sat there as he was yelling at me. I didn't say anything and he kept yelling finally yelling "are you eyeballing me". He then punched me in the face, cutting the inside of my mouth.
  • Eventually I got away, I went in my room and couldn't stop crying. My brother was in our room too. I eventually called my mother in and started talking to her. My brother then informed me I was bleeding from my neck where is fingers dug into it. I told my mother I was going to call the police on him. She tried to talk me out of it, because obviously it would have been an enormous ordeal. I called my best friend (who's dad is a cop) and asked him, he kept saying he didn't know, but if my dad got out of control to call him. I then called my then girlfriend of 3 1/2 years and asked her. She didn't think I should call the police because, well my family isn't that well off anyways and it could end up pritty bad for my future. I ended up not calling the police.
• About a week later, my Dad and I got in another spat, only this was not physical, but just verbal. He started getting just as angry and my mother stepped in between us. He started telling her to stop defending me, and that I should get thrown out of the house (mind you he couldn't legally, as I wasn't 18). My mother kept telling him to go away, as I was trying to get away from the situation, but he kept persisting, getting in my face and swearing at me. Finally I told him if he didn't back off, I was going to call the police. He basically said "Go ahead, I dare you to". Well, I did. Don't think I ever saw him more afraid and disbelieving than that, considering my dad had always had a kind of controlling, and abusive attitude to all my family, (including my mother), and we're all pritty scared of him to tell you the truth, and this was the first time I'd truly stood up to him.
  • The police arrived and I told him the story. Then he talked to us all individually. I told him the story about the week before, and he said since my Dad hadn't actually done anything that night, he couldn't do anything about it, but that he could file a report for the week before, though it would be much more difficult to do anything about since I had waited so long. I filed the report, he got the rest of the stories from everyone else and left.
  • Over the next couple weeks I didn't go to school much, I also came down with the Flu shortly after. We had child services come to where I heard my dad say possibly the stupidest thing ever explaining he was that while the night I called the police he had been drinking a little, the first night where he actually belted me and strangled me, he was "as sober as a judge" to which the child services lady said "ummmm, thats not a good thing". I also eventually got a call asking if I wanted to attempt to press charges, to which I said no. That was the formal ending of the altercation.
• I missed a few weeks of school, and came back. The first day I came back, I was so upset at what had happened and what was ahead of me, when I met up with my then girlfriend and I couldn't contain my emotions, I cried, and just said I couldn't do today. We went to her father (who was a teacher at our school) he took us to the office and after explaining the situation to my counselor got permission from my dad and the school for her to take me home. We got to my house and probably had the most intimate moment of my life, and that kinda helped a bit going forward.
• Through the rest of the school year, I ended up barely, and I mean barely passing. I literally was in the last few weeks for seniors (where we didn't go to any classes) and I had to go to my Calc teacher who basically said, you are going to retake this final until you get a good enough grade to get a D in the class. I ended up failing a few AP exams, but did manage to pass all my IB tests, which was much more important (as the IB diploma is more important than a few extra college credits from any given AP test). I got my IB diploma, and my diploma and graduated.
• I got through summer and eventually was off to a state university, about 2-3 hours away from our hometown. My then girlfriend went there, and my best friend moved down there despite taking local online courses at a local Community College, to be closer to his then girlfriend.
• I started off ok, I never really got to know my roommates (we all had separate rooms, and I've always been more of a few close knit friends kind of guy). My girlfriend and I's physical relationship was at its peak, and our mental relationship was about where it was at High School.
• Slowly as the semester went on, I stopped having the motivation to do stuff. I didn't go and hang out with my girlfriend at events, or gatherings, preferring to be alone with her. Often times this would lead to sexual interactions, which was good and fine for the most part, as we had been rather slow and careful in building that into our relationship.
  • Towards the 2nd half of the first semester, I started staying up later. No reason, I was very (and still am) very adamant about not doing drugs or drinking, so that wasn't it. I would lose my motivation to go to class, or even attempt to study (much like the end of my senior year, where as before, besides general procrastination, was a fairly good student, albeit a little bit less motivated than some). I stopped going to my classes as much, and ended up sleeping through them. I would go to some lectures more than others, but would miss a lot of class. My personal hygiene was down, and even playing my games (I was organizing a team with my brother and friends) became more frustrating than enjoyable.
  • Eventually my Girlfriend was feeling like all I ever wanted to do was be secluded, and felt like every time we met I was all about sex. I think I did this because of the day she brought me back home from high school, because that moment made me feel so much better, and closer to her. She started not wanting to do anything sexual. I was much more persistent than I should have been. I always wanted to talk about it. eventually we did things less and less, and also hung out a little less often, but not a ton, though I rarely went out with her.
  • I eventually realized that I was going to have terrible grades. I went and pritty much broke down in front of my girlfriend. I kinda wouldn't tell her the whole truth, because at the time, I just felt like I was lazy, and was ashamed to admit I wasn't going to class.
  • Over the Xmas break we kinda made a pact that I would try to improve, both in our relationship with being persistent about sex,and with school and such. I went to my counselor and kinda talked about me having a hard time being motivated. she told me what I needed to do to keep my state scholarship. I ended up needing to retake most of my classes.
• The next semester started and it started off solid. My relationship with my Girlfriend improved, both sexually, but much more importantly mentally. I also started trying to be adamant about assignments, being more organized. We had a long weekend a month or so in, so I went back home. I came down wicked sick, fevers of 100+ and went back to school feeling pritty terrible.
  • That was the straw that broke the camels back as they say. Once I was sick, I reverted to my old ways. My sleep schedule got off and I started sleeping through classes and missing assignments again, didn't know what was going on in my classes. I actually missed a speech in one of my classes, which was a large part of my grade I was running out of my scholarship/loan money from the semester because I hadn't budgeted well. I was just in trouble.
  • My relationship with my girlfriend plummeted as well. She tried helping me by researching jobs and she did so much to help me help myself about school, and organization, and getting a place to live for the next year, and a job. I kept putting down her advice, or not having the drive to get any of it done. Our sexual relations ceased to exist, and she would just get frustrated with me. It was obvious she still cared about me, but she couldn't help me.
  • I eventually broke down. After realizing that I had no chance to salvage my grades, I came and broke down to her again, saying explaining my lack or drive and no solution. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like breaking commitments, or disappointing people so when she suggested that I just stop, and go home, and try for square one before the semester ended, I suddenly realized that was the only answer. I called my parents the next day, and within the week, my buddy and I packed everything and was ready to go.
  • During that last week, my girlfriend and I's relationship was in a weird place. I felt a bit better because I thought the change of scenery would help. She still didn't want any sexual relations, but even things that weren't explicitly sexual were kind of tense.
• I eventually left, and my girlfriend and I didn't talk that much, as I was sleeping/recovering a lot, and she had finals. Before the school year ended I went back to town with my family to return my dorm key, and I spent the night with my girlfriend. It was real awkward, to the point where I could kinda tell she was a bit weirded out at affection, even non-sexual. It wasn't totally blatant, but it sure didn't feel like the kind of interaction between 2 people who had at that point been dating for more than 4 years and hadn't seen each other in a month.
  • School was over, I think I eventually got my job back at my old job before I left for school at a fast food joint. I wasn't getting very many hours. My girlfriend and I hung out a few times, one time in particular we went bike riding at some bike trails, something she had been wanting to do for some time. I was really frustrated because I had to use my dads beach cruiser, which isn't very good for mountain biking. My girlfriends bike didn't even have breaks, and she had sandles on.
  • One of the next few times we hung out, we were in my room. I had kinda made up my mind to try to bring things to a better relationship. So I was trying to be romantic, without being overly sexual. I went in to kiss her, and she kept turning away. I eventually asked her what was wrong, and she eventually said that even though she hadn't planned on mentioning anything, that she didn't want to be together anymore. I don't really remember much about that day, other than me crying harder than I have ever cried in my life (imagine a panic attack on top of crying uncontrollably) and then falling asleep (I had stayed up all night the night before because my sleep schedual had gone to hell), before waking up, and her eventually leaving.
    • I was really in denial for a long time about the break up, I didn't want to believe it, especially because I was starting to feel on the right track, and I KNEW something had been bothering her for a while, and I was too late to stop it.
    • This is skipping forward for a bit but at this point there were 2 different things I had gathered about the breakup that kind of evolved over time. 1)My state of being (which about 3-4 months after the breakup I realized was depression) when I was at school was very emotionally draining on her. She felt like she wasn't getting 2) She wanted the opportunity to eventually experience dating other people because I was the only one she had ever dated (for the record the she was also he only person I have ever dated). This part bothered me the most, but I will revisit this later.
• After or right around the beginning of the next semester, I got a better job from my best friend. It was being a dishwasher at a fairly busy restaurant. I didn't have a car (or a license for that matter, never got it because I never wanted to be around my dad to learn), so I would have to stay at his house (his new house was right behind the restaurant) and walk to work the next morning. At first I loved it because I was getting my life going in the right direction. It was harder work, but I didn't have to deal with customers (Drive thru customers at fast food restaurants can be very rude, sometimes for our mistakes, but often times because they can't be bothered to read something, think about that next time you do fast food, employees aren't trying to mess your order up, don't be a douche). At work I would often zone out when it wasn't busy, and just mull and mull and mull over my now Ex girlfriend. We had been broken up for a few months at this point.
  • I would usually stay up rather late on the computer, doing nothing in particular usually, or mulling some more over my ex. I'd set my cell phone alarm to wake up. I'd usually have to set it for like 1-2 hours before work and hit snooze a million times, and wake up right before I had to leave (which was thankfully a minute before I had to be at work.)
  • I showed up to work late one day I didn't stay at my friends house. It wasn't my fault, he showed up late, but at the same time, he is going out of his way to give me a ride, and he also works there so I wasn't about to complain. I also didn't call my work and let them know, which was my mistake.
  • After about a month, I would sometimes misread my schedule, Forget when I worked. I got verbally reprimanded, but my manager was rather laid back, and had employed 2 of my close friends (one of whom was my best friend who still worked there). Then one day I overslept. My manager was out of town, but told the other manager to suspend me. He then told me to come back and talk to him when he got back. I misunderstood the fact that he wanted to see me the day he got back and didn't call my friend for a ride, thinking he just wanted to see me before my suspension was up. I get a call the next day from my friend asking what had been up with me and that he was pritty sure I had been fired. I talk to the General manager, and he said he knew I was suspended, but that was all he knew, he told me to talk to the employee manager. I go in, and he respectfully tells me I had to be let go, which I figured was coming, I told him I didn't mean any disrespect, and I had been going through some bad times.
• About a month and a half, maybe 2 1/2 months after that I finally (with some coaxing from my mother) decided to get some help (I had realized for sure about 3 weeks after being fired I had depression). I contacted my old pediatrician, and he told us to look at our insurance, then look at specialists and he would recommend one. I saw a Psychiatrist about 8 or 9 days before Christmas. I'm now on anti-depressants and have been for about 2, 2.5 weeks.
• Family and I went on a vacation (I now rock at MIB Alien attack at universal since thats all my brother and I did since he doesn't like roller coasters)until Xmas
• After Christmas I talked with my Ex about different things. She kinda expanded on how she felt saying that, she did feel relieved last semester not having to deal with my draining her and feels free. She talked about not wanting to date anyone right now because she wanted to feel freedoms and experience new things, and when she was dating me she had to worry about so much more than herself. I tried to explain to her that she was being smothered by me because of my depression. She said that I had always been kind of anti-social, and that she wants to do things like go to party's and clubs (I suppose this is a good time to mention we were an interracial couple, I'm white and she is black, not that its very relevant) or go out fishing, things which I wasn't really into. She said she didn't want me to change these things for her I told her that I eventually had to try new things anyways.
  • We also talked about her wanting the freedom to try to experience dating new people, and although she said she wasn't talking about anytime or anyone in particular, or even that it would happen. She also has been insistent about us becoming better friends first before thinking about a romantic relationship although as she has said "you have as good of a shot, probably better than anyone else trying to date me". I said that its really hard, because I feel like if I get better, and can show her that, but she wants to date someone else for the experience, but with the possibility of coming back to me if the experience isn't what she wants later is a very difficult situation for me. I want her back more than anything in the world right now. I'm not going to pursue anyone else until I know it wont work with us, and I no longer love her. I feel that we broke up because of something out of my control, but if she would rather wait to find someone else just to see what that experience is like rather than at the very least SEE if she could feel romantically about me again once I was better, than I would have a very hard time staying her friend. I made a metaphor that I'm not like clothing, you can't try me on to see if I fit, try on some more people later, then come back to me in the end. No matter how much I cared about her, I would have a hard time letting my morals have that happen. She tried to say the analogy was poor, because in the same analogy, how could she know if there was something that fit perfect if I was all she tried.
  • So I instead brought up an incident where I went to great length to get homecoming tickets to another school (where all our middle school friends went to) even though the dance was on the same day as our homecoming game (we were in the band together, so we were required to go). I knew she wanted to do this very badly even though I wasn't a big dance guy and the timing would be tight. Our game got delayed by rain, and we couldn't end up going, and I was terribly upset because I had put so much work into it and it had fallen through, when I had felt all along that it wouldn't be worth the trouble. I had called her that night really upset explaining what I was upset with her about. She asked me that night if I was breaking up with her. My reply was "of course not, I just want us to get this solved" [our plans had a knack for being last minute and I had to do most of the planning, and they fell through a lot]). I said imagine I broke up with you that night, the issue was something I was bothered with you about, but not bad enough to break up about (bad at planning and keeping plans) , but was accentuated by something out of your control (lightning storm). If I had broke up and then said "I'm going to try to date other people to experience more things", but if I can't I will give you another shot. This was similar to how we ACTUALLY broke up. She was bothered by something about me but not bad enough to break up about (my slight anti-socialness and dislike for dancing in public), but was accentuated by something out of my control (depression) and now you are saying the same thing to me. She said she understood, and would kind of go with it, but she wouldn't do so without saying she was "convinced" or coerced.

• We hung out a day later, she just came over and we watched a movie. She's normally a rather outgoing touchey feely person, not only with me when we were dating, but just with close friends, guys and girls alike. Ever since we've been done dating, besides the occasional, fairly brief hug ,our time together feels its like we're acquaintances stuck together in an elevator, rather than friends or people who dated for 4.5 years. Part of it is i'm used to being able to put my arm around her for so long, but part of it is her awkwardness I think.
  • Afterwards I sent her a long long long list of questions about our relationship, why we broke up, and how she feels going into the future of our relationship. I'll hear back from her soon, but she is doing volunteer work starting this morning for a week and isn't sure if she will have internet access.
  • About 4 hours before I got this far into writing this gargantuan story I woke her up with a phone call because I was having a mini panic attack (I had a full fledged one when one of my buddies came over to my other friends house for his birthday with his girlfriend and spent the night, and I was kinda overwhelmed that night as we all went to sleep and they went to sleep together, I was thinking about how I cant do stuff like that anymore and I had a silent panic/crying attack where I had trouble breathing. Not pleasant) We talked some, and I tried to explain how sorry I was for all I put her through, because I had never really said it, and tried to stress that I am getting help. We talked and she said that one of the main things that made her not want a romantic relationship with me is because she still has a hard time enjoying being around or talking with me because its always so negative feeling, or we're talking negatively about how I feel sad we aren't together. She was tired and said that there was still some more to it that she had explained in the questions, but she wasn't done with them yet. I did ask her if that would at least get us on the right path towards that type of relationship, and she said, yea, thats a part of it. I then asked if the "more to it" was something that I could bear any influence on, and she said its hard to explain, but she thinks so. This has made me feel a lot better, and I think that if I'm just more positive and try to enjoy myself with her, it maybe hopefully in the long run could end up with us being back together. I'm not trying to get my hopes too high, and understand it could take a while. But that has at least given me some assurance of a direction.
• I then got on here, registered, and typed this huge post.

Thats my story. I'm done writing. Right now I'm mostly focused on my Ex-girlfriend, because she means so much to me. I''d really like advice, comments, questions or thoughts on the situation with her, if its not outside the realm of this forum. General advice, comments, questions, or thoughts on the rest of my story, and my depression in general are welcomed as well. I plan on going to a local community college(which is technically a state college now), and doing online courses for the rest of my Gen Ed stuff (which despite me essentially wasting a year and a half of potential college, isn't that that much because of IB and AP)

Sorry for the terribly long read, and I probably still left something out

-Bias