When I was younger, I often wished I were male, but the main reason was "male privilege." I grew up in a time when sexism was the norm. Boys and men had more freedom of lifestyle choice. It was taken for granted that women were going to be mothers, and their careers (limited pretty much to teacher, secretary, nurse, airline attendant, or waitress) were just temporary until they got married. It so happens I enjoy being a homemaker, but I resented having that decision made *for* me simply because I was female.

The other reason was simple curiosity. What would it be like to be made differently? How does the other half live?

Feeling unattractive is also very common given what happened to you, and it's all too sadly typical of a lot of young women. Media gives us unrealistic images of the ideal, and makes us feel less than perfect if we don't look like those airbrushed, cosmetically altered, and often starving models and actresses.

However, as you have discovered, beauty comes in all kinds of forms. Many different people can be beautiful, and it's OK to appreciate the beauty in all of them. Thinking someone of any age, size, shape, color, or gender, is attractive or beautiful is perfectly okay, in fact it's good, and it is not at all the same thing as being sexually attracted to them.

This I also had to struggle with. I am a straight woman, but I have wondered about my orientation, and even experimented, before coming to that conclusion. Your thoughts are not at all unusual. If you feel you need help with them, this is a safe place to vent.