I used to be hyper motivated and ambitious. I got my MBA and my accounting designation while working in a high stress job. I was a workaholic on the career fast track through my 20's / early 30's. Then I got derailed with mental health and addiction issues (alcoholism). I've been struggling with getting and staying sober since 2006 - I've been sober most of that period but have had multiple relapses. I'm doing loads better on the MH front, although I still struggle with periods of depression. I'm working in an ok job but it's several steps below my skill level, way less money than I'm used to making, and is essentially dead end. I figure I need to be in it another 12-18 months so that I'll have some stability on my resume, plus this isn't a great time for job hunting.

Plus there's the issue of my music. I know I'm capable of getting up to performance standard on the harp, but I have no motivation to practice - it's almost like a fear of failure, fear of success. If I fail, my Dad was right when he said I had no musical talent, when he sold our piano when I was 15 and in grade 9 at the conservatory, if I succeed I know that was a lie and I could probably have had a career in music.

I just feel stuck. Deep down I'm still incredibly ambitious. I still want to be a controller or CFO someday. I want to be able to perform in public, but it's like I can't harness the drive I used to have to do it. I'm too apathetic, and feel like I've screwed up everything with my drinking, and feel limited by the knowlege that my depression could always come back & land me in the hospital again. I know my priority right now has to be my sobriety & I've really committed to putting everything into that, but part of me resents that.

But part of me just really wants back that 20 year old belief in myself that I can acheive anything I want if I just work hard enough towards it and really dedicate myself to it. I just don't know how to get it.

So how do you get back a belief in yourself and your abilities and your motivation after multiple set backs? I know I can never be my 20 year old self again - too much has happenned, but I have to believe some of my drive has remained - I just can't find it.

--splitimage