As I was reading you post I got a sense too, like Bill3, that you are scared of losing cotrol and feel very unsure about yourself and who you are.

Where you abused in any way as a child? (you do not have to answer if you do not want to of course).

I think (maybe I am wrong?) that you are scared of existing. Of being.

Its OK to be! Just to be. No judgement. No fear. No demand. No approval. Just be.

You can let go now of all the thoughts and feelings that do not help you anymore. And just be.

Eating keeps us a life and fat is a good thing - it helps us maintain our energy, keep us warm and nurture us (when it is in good measure). It makes me sad that you are so afraid of being alive and enjoying yourself and your body.

Remember - you are OK as you are. and fat is part of you.

I do not know what sort of therapy you got but maybe change therapist for a while? Look for someone who specialises with eating disorders and if you feel suicidal please go and talk to someone now!!

I am sending you warm hugs!!