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Berries · Jan 03, 2010, 11:47 AM

Thank you (((((((((((everyone))))))) who replied my “this may sound weird…” post about whether or not I am faking a mental illness. I was overwhelmed (in a good way) by the quantity and quality of the responses. What you all wrote is very helpful and made me really think logically about the intrusive thought. And that is what it is: an intrusive obsessive thought brought on by OCD and depression. This is what the doctors say and this is what you all have basically said too.
If I’ve been faking, I’ve been doing it for 26 years. I was first DXed at 17 and now I am 43. I have made changes—long term hospitalization, crisis hospitalizations, meds, ECT, therapy, monitoring stress…and still I have symptoms.
And I agree that faking a mental illness for 26 years is a bit extreme just to get out of working for a living. And fooling more than a handful of doctors over 26 years and 3 different sets of psych tests over 26 years, I would have to not only be brilliant, but also have a screw loose. And who would subject themselves to shock treatments if they weren’t desperate to feel better. And then do feel much better after the series of shock treatments is over.
But it is very, very difficult for my mind to see it logically. For every time I try to answer those questions, my mind spits out what seem to be logical reasons.
Like—I am smart and savvy and have tricked all the doctors. I am too lazy to work. I am too frightened of adult responsibilities, like taking care of myself financially, having children, being in a healthy committed relationship.
When thoughts come I feel so guilty for sucking off of good taxpayers’ money. I suppose if I was ‘faking it’, it wouldn’t bother me?
And every success that I have, my mind twists it around and says—see if you can do that then you are not really mentally ill. You’re a faker.
I am tortured by this thought and other related thoughts. I guess if I were faking it, it wouldn’t bother me at all? Or is this just guilt after so many years of being dishonest?
It’s just all so overwhelming. I want the thoughts to go away.
I have been referred to an OCD clinic. I am hoping like hell that they can help me with these obsessive thoughts. I’ve been having these particular thoughts for about a year and a quarter. I also have severe contamination/germ phobia. This has been going on for 4 years. My bipolar has been going on since age 16. When I’m not thinking about “faking” bipolar and OCD, I am obsessing and having compulsions about contamination.
I need help. I am desperate for it.
Thank you for always listening and supporting me and my broken record. I feel so much less alone by my PC friends. I know it’s virtual, but to me it is very, very real.