((((((Tree)))) Im going through something very similar. I guess I'll just talk from my experience, maybe some of this is the same for you.

Of course, I chose someone who I felt comfortable with, someone who in some ways felt familiar and replayed my childhood dramas. I could (conscously or not) undo/redo old mother/father dramas. But not exactly (for me), my H is somewhat of a better choice than who I would have chose had I gotten married younger.

As I realized more and more in therapy and am letting go (very slowly) of feelings of self-hate, unworthiness and discovering more about who my mother was and how I felt as a child, I am much more conscious of how that plays out in the here and now. And I play it out in my marriage. As if there is a mountain to discover in therapy about how it plays out in my relationships with everyone (including my husband), I uncovered the top of the moutain and how much there is below is almost frightening. Not just how it has played out with my H, but with friends, my children, everyone. And how it has played out in my feelings about myself. There is no turning back now, I see why I chose him.

But it does not mean I have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Not at all. And neither do you. The fact that at the very least H got scared and changed his behavior (for now) is a good sign. He cares about the marriage and doesnt want to throw the baby out with the bathwater either. Neither does my H. ANd if I have to drag him into therapy with me (like I did this past summer) he will go. He wants to keep what we have and I am sure your husband does, too.

In my experience, it takes time for husbands to process what is going on. What is new. And they may not process the way we do. I think you did the right thing by allowing him his anger. Maybe this is his way of working the new situation with you out in his head? You are not going to react like a scared child and enable him to provoke you. My husband is like this, too. And he needs time to process that. To come to a place where he can communicate. I like that you didnt react or get defensive. That is how i used to respond to my husband. Lots of defending. Now, when he wants to process the situation with sarcasm or anger, I try to answer with humor or acknowledge the feelings behind what he is saying. In my situation, he might get angry about me taking time for myself and not "suffering" and "working" all the time. Ftt has taught me to answer with things like, "Yeah, I know, you are right, you COULD use a break, too." To validate him.

I have said to her (ftt) that I am tired of always being the one to work on the marriage, make these efforts, me understand him etc. She pointed out to me that it isnt uncommon for the woman to be the one to initiate change. It usually is that way.

My husband is European, he has expected me to do 100% of everything the way you described. And I do waaaaay more in the house than he does. But if he were doing more, and this is what came up with ftt, Id have to be consulting with him all day long on the thousands of decsions I make all day. Do I want to do that? Or do I want to do things my way? I have set it up this way, consciously or not. Pretty much all household/children things fall under my domain. And then I complain that he doesnt help! But my complaints are real! I want him to do more and take some of the kid/household responsibility, but Im going to have to give up some control in the process.

The bottom line is, the dynamic between us is changing. I am treating myself more respectfully. And I expect more acceptance and tolderance from him. If I dont get it, I just keep going without incident. And that is REALLY new for my husband. He is losing some of his control. It takes time and I am taking a deeeeep breath and giving him time.

The point that you are at, Tree, is a difficult one. Realizing how you have allowed yourself to be treated, how the dynamic could have affected your children and not wanting it to continue. I think you are doing the right thing to sit and wait. Consider that his anger is the way he is processing the new dynamic. Its the same with my H and I try not to react to things he says, like the things about turning off all of your feelings. Is it possible it is easier for him (like my husband!) to make it about you and your feelings, when actually it is about him and his feelings about your new way of expecting respectful treatment. My husband has said anything to turn it back to me. He is now, after some time, not doing that as much as he sees it doesnt work. I dont react or defend my feelings, I just move along and ignore it- with humor, validation or just plain ignore it. Even if he doensnt like it, he is tolerating and accepting more of what is. And, I believe, iin time, he will be more peaceful in the marriage with both of us more content with our lives. Not one person forcing another to be a certain way.

When do you see T??? I spend so much time every week talking about this stuff....it feels like some sort of final frontier.....