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eskielover · Jan 03, 2010, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tifferific

Trigger****
I am going to say this because I have to so I don't throw myself out of my front picture window.
I have been in therapy for like 10 years and I'm patient like 5 times.for long periods, ya I will I knew what I need to let go off and what is eating me alive. But right now I am so not there. And I feel either I cannot et better. Or I got screwed on therapy. Or I really need to think maybe I'm not made to walk this world for as long as I would have liked or planned to.
:
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It will make me be unclean. I will do horrible things. I will be tied to the earth. I will feel it, inside of me. I will have to eat and ill never know how much will be too much. If it just happens.
Everyone will touch it, tease me.
People will look at me.
I want to be gone invisible. I want to fly away.

I think that you didn't have a therapist that helped you or they would have touched on all of these things you are having problems with now after 10 years.

This doesn't sound like body image issues to me.......& from my experience, (inpatient & outpatient) they have the concept that anorexia is all about body image issues & don't hear the other things that are going on & don't even let the other things come out because they don't know how to handle them. I was even told that by an inpatient center this last time when I was having problems with anorexia. They told me that the only thing they work on are body image issues & anything else it beyond their capability. (this was coming from an ED treatment center that should be able to handle any causes for an ED except for a medical reason)

You need a therapist who will work on why eating makes you feel unclean? What horrible things you will do? & what about being tied to the earth is causing you problems?

As far as the fear of not knowing when to stop eating, the body does have a shut off that tells us when we are full. When my anorexia was bad, that was after 2 bites. As I got better, now I can eat about 1/2 of a plate of food before I am so full I can't eat another bite. I go from able to eat to full in one bite.....stomach tells the mind when it is full. That is a body/mind function that it is born with......just like the pain we feel when we are hungry. We can ignore it, but it does exist on either end (hungry/full).

Who is going to touch it & tease you? Your husband? Who would even think of teasing you after all the work it will take you to get to a safe weight, a weight that everyone wants you to be safe with? Why in the world would they tease you about it? You know in reality no one would ever tease you.

You are afraid of people looking at you if you gain a little weight. You don't think they are looking at you now & thinking how sad that she is anorexic?

I think the fact that you want to be gone, to just fly away is the key to your not getting better. It sounds like you have more of a desire to be invisible than to get better. This is a very key issue that needs to be worked on in therapy. Doesn't sound like any of your therapy has touched on these issues or you wouldn't be still dealing with them after 10 years.

I don't know what all you have gone through in your life or what all has happened to you to make you feel this way. But it sounds like there may be so many things that have happened to you in your life that has caused your thinking to go off in this unhealthy direction.

I know after that long, if I was still dealing with the same feelings & thoughts that were causing me to be be sick, I would be looking for therapy that was willing to help me & not just sit there spinning my wheels with useless therapy.

I hope you really have the desire to get well & to find the therapy that can really help you. I know for me it was frustrating because it doesn't seem like the therapy is really available, but searching for a therapist to help is important as they can help you work on those thought patterns that are so very unhealthy to you.

Hope you have the energy to find the help you really need,
Debbie