I spoke with my care co-ordinater 'V' this morning
I will be visiting the nursing home on wednesday.Meeting the staff and some residents and having a look round.
I'm a bit nervous. My Support worker 'E' will be coming with me.
My care co-ordinator 'V' explained to me about the place being for people with severe mental illness and i will be the youngest one there.She said though we need to look at how i will be supported and my needs.She told me it is very like being on the psych ward.So in some ways im not looking forward to it.She said the staff are really nice.And that i should be honest and ask questions.
Giving up my house and pets to go into a hospital type place.Its not nice.But as i said to my care co-ordinater "Its just a stepping stone" a good friend said that to me once.And she's very right.Its a stepping stone to getting well,i may lose my balance a few times though.
I also discussed with 'V' my panic attacks theyve been alot worse and ive struggled to cope.There not just panic attaks though.Sometimes i see images(flashbacks)Automatically i want to take pills to make it go away.But ive resisted.I also havent self harmed for nearly 3wks.
The pill thing is difficult though i see horrific things in a flashback,nightmares except im awake.Its so real.I cant breathe,my heart starts pounding like its going to burst through my chest.And i would do anything to make it stop.I use to grab a handful of pills so that they would knock me unconious so that i couldnt feel.But I'm trying to stay away from them.But it feels like its worse.The reality is ive been blocking things out for so long with pills now im not taking them there coming back to me at once.
But i can do this,I will do this.
I wont let the past destroy me anymore.
I wont let those Evil abusers win.
And if i succed,If i can do this that means you can to