yea, part of the altercation with my Dad was that there was a chance my mother could be charged with neglect because she "let" it go on. In reality, I think she was just as afraid of my father as we all were. She also wasn't in the room when we got in our scuffle so she didn't know how bad it was I guess.

I'm a first generation college student in my family. Both my parents are supportive of my education, and of my life in general. However, I feel that I was really just happy to be away from my dad when I was at school. I'm not sure exactly what caused the depression when I was away, It was probably there all along, but I thought getting away from my Dad would help.

The thing about my relationship is that I think, or at least hope that once the cause of the breakup (my behavior under depression) is treated, that she can once again see what she saw in me for 4 years. On the other hand, I worry every day that its too late, or that she is either to hurt, or to fixated on trying something new, that she won't give what was "unjustly" cut short another chance.

Up until the night I decided to join this site, I was unsure of a sort of path to at least put me in the ball park of getting back together. Our relationship has been kinda awkward, but not "bad" on by any means. She would really ambiguously say she wanted to become better friends any time I talked about getting back together. I kept saying that you broke up with me because of my depression, (which I had to kinda pry out/ decipher in the months after the break up [before I knew it was depression we referred to it as "how I was acting at college"]), how can you not at least want to be back with the non-depressed me, even if it takes time for you to feel romantically about me (because she says she still "loves" me, just not romantically). We talked and the only non-depression related thing that I did that contributed to the break up was At the beginning of senior year, which involves a quick anecdote:

Before school started freshman year, I went to band camp (get your American Pie jokes out of the way please). I had prior music experience through my middle school, and I play percussion (or "Drums" for you less musically inclined). In particular, at least for marching season, I played the Bass Drum (the big drum that you strap to the front of you, and play on either side that goes "boom"). First off, Bass Drums aren't light. Secondly, I'm not a big, or particularly strong guy. Thirdly, the senior Bass Drummer, was this big, fat, and not particularly nice girl named Mindy (or as I affectionately call her, Godzilla). Anyways, Freshman (or first year band students, they can be any grade) always get Hazed a little bit. If we mess up we have to run laps with drums, or worse yet, Duckwalk (Squat down, but stay on your feet, now with out unsquatting, and keeping your arms out in front of you, walk from one end of your house to the other, when you catch your breath, tell me how you feel). These wouldn't have been so bad, if I knew anyone, or Mindy wasn't slightly abusive of her powers (technically she was an upper clansmen, but wasn't Section, or Assistant Section leader). I also went to my doctor because my back was hurting (he thought I had scoliosis, but later we learned from a specialist that one of my legs was slightly longer than the other, and that the apparent curvature of the spine was due to this.) So I quit band before the season. My soon to be girlfriend joined the drumline at the start of the year, with no experience. I was still in the class (but was in the beginners class due to IB scheduling conflicts for required classes). She was in the "percussion" class, but second semester switched to the beginning band class. Eventually we started dating.

Flash forward a few years, and Its our senior year. Our predecessors didn't set up well for us, so we got to band camp. Technically neither of us had learned some of the other drums parts, she was a Tenor player, and I was a Bass player. But since so many people transfered away (our school had a tough curriculum) she technically had the most seniority, followed by me (because I technically only had 3 years). However we kind of unspokenly agreed with me being section leader, and her being assistant section leader because I could in general handle some of the more vocal rolls, and I was also a more experienced musician, and knew more parts on more drums. Despite having had no Sophomores, and a boat load of Freshman, with only 3 Seniors (one of whom was only second year in the band) and 3 juniors (one of whom was a "freshman") and no one having sat down and taught us the other drums, we put together all the parts. I was now on snare, with the help of one of the juniors, and she was on Tenor still. I pieced together most of the Quad parts, and she worked on the Cymbals.

Every time we learned a new Drum cadence or feature, I would have to learn the snare part, if I didn't get it during band camp, and she would have to teach the Tenor part. Then, I would have to literally remember what the quad part sounded like (not easy considering its 4 drums) and piece it together as best I could then teach it to a freshman with no drum experience, and she would have to do the same with the Cymbals. We were under a lot of pressure from the Band Captain, and Co-Captain because we were further behind then everyone (we had no freshman show up at camp, and we had to teach all the Drum Cadences, and Features, ON top of everything the band plays as a whole, which most of them aren't incredibly complicated on percussion, on top of everyone learning the field show.) We were trying to get one of the more difficult Features down at practice that we needed to play for the pep rally. It had 2 separate quad solo's in it, that I was not only piecing together, but teaching to someone who had a knack for having a hard time on solo's. On the other hand, my girlfriend simply didn't know the Cymbal part, and was teaching it wrong. Cymbals are a lot easier to teach parts for because they are very distinct and not as complicated. With literally no one else to turn to, and running out of time I was angry. I was stressed out from the pressure, and mad that my only source of help, well, couldn't help. I held her to a high standard, and I always saw us more as partners, rather than the top dog, and the person under that. I snapped at her and yelled at her. I don't remember what I said, but I don't think I ever swore at her. I do remember i was very upset, and may have insulted her, saying she was no help, or couldn't do her job, something to that effect. I saw it strictly as a business stand point, and didn't mean the yelling to be personal, but to emphasize that she really needed to remember this because I can't teach everyone at once. She was upset with me, telling her not to speak with her that way, and that there was nothing she could do, it wasn't her fault. She took it personally.

We worked it out, and I honestly forget the details of the resolution, or how long it was drawn out. But we were always good about talking about things and resolving them, and making up, and I didn't see this as any more of an incident than any other normal disagreement we had. However looking back at it, I guess up until I became depressed, this was the only time I ever yelled at her. It was obviously stress induced, but that doesn't make it right to yell at someone. After my depression, I would sometimes become angered at very small things. For example, I would lose patience is she was slow, or confused on how to perform simple tasks on the computer. Just things like using the very fidgity touch pad on my laptop rather than my mouse, and then being slow to scroll up or down, or do simple things because she insisted on using it over the moue. I feel like my already existing frustration and anger problem was accentuated by my depression, and I one probably 1 or 2 occasions after we moved to college, rose my voice at her for completely stupid things. I think she lumps the other experience of the drumline with that and makes a connection that that was a character trait I had before my depression, when that one corner case with her was stress induced.

/anecdote

She's currently out of state doing a Habitat for Humanity project for the week up until her new semester starts. The morning she left, I was up all night so I called her. We talked for a bit (much to her dismay as she had to leave to catch a bus in 3 hours) and she basically told me that one of the reasons she didn't yet want to even start thinking about building back a romantic relationship, is because every time we talked, I was still being negative, or sad, often talking about how upset I was we weren't together, and wanting to talk about the break-up which she would insist, she had nothing NEW to say on. However, me being an analytical person, would always pick up new things with every time we would talk about it. However one thing I couldn't understand, is why she didn't WANT to feel romantically about me (I understood why she didn't feel romantically about me). When she said the bolded statement I understood.

From my perspective, I've always recognized something was wrong with me, even before I knew I was "depressed", heck its why I left school. For me, this is more than half the battle. When I left school, I knew there was a rift between us over the way I was acting, and I thought the change of scenery would fix it, as I couldn't seem to shake my lack of motivation at school. I felt I was on the way to recovery. Well, my mood didn't improve very fast, and well, it was too late, and we broke up, the very thing I tried to avoid by attempting fixing my state of mind, and subsequent behavior. Flash forward to once I realized I had depression and made the decision to get help, I instantly knew the end result being me getting back to as normal as possible (assuming all goes well). I always see myself in that light in regards to what I have to offer her. The fact that I'm addressing the problem to ME makes me feel like the problem is now a non issue. However, because she still didn't show that much explicit interest, merely stating that I had as good a shot as any, if not better, in having that type of relationship (in my case again) with her, I was getting more and more upset over our relationship because I couldn't understand how to get on track. This led to me being negative, and being more beg-ey, and more why-me-ey. I realized now that "become better friends" was really "show her that you aren't the negative person from College, show her you are better, or are getting there, then you are at least on the TRACK to get her to look for any feeling of romance, where as now, she doesn't even want to look for it. Because I'm analytical, the fact that the solution to the problem is in place makes me confident enough that its fixed. She being more about feelings, and face value, doesn't see any change, and doesn't WANT to want a relationship.

My hope is that once I can get her to WANT to want a relationship, my infinite charm and stunning good looks (also known as the fact I can make her laugh and the fact that she happens to be attracted to pale skinny white guys) and our previous relationship can take over and I can win her back. I know that me showing her I am on the road to recovery isn't an instant fix. I know there are some additional feelings and factors that must be overcome, or changed. I just hope that she wont go ahead and just date someone else just for the "experience", because that will bother me to the point where I don't know how I could have a good friendship with her.

I talked with her best friend and roommate about what I was thinking about doing, but I don't know if logistically would be possible, or would be too invasive. I was planning on hitching a ride with her back to their apartment/dorm thingey. Then when my Ex got back from the Habitat from Humanity, I would surprise her by being there, and we would hang out, because it would be their first week of classes, so they wouldn't be too busy. Talking with her roommate though she said they may or may not be busy and was worried I'd be bored at the very least when(hey all I do is stay home, surf the internet and sleep now anyways). The other issue, is she doesn't think my Ex would want to drive me back here at the end of the week as its a 2-3 hour drive each way, and I don't really have another mode of transportation. She also said she didn't know how she would feel if I "sprung" it on her like that. From what my Ex had said to me, she feels like I never do things by the seat of my pants, and that the best things at life are just kinda random and spontaneous. If I can get a ride, I'm going for it, but I'm not sure I'd have one, and My Ex always complained about being the only one of us with a car when we lived in the same CITY. So I'll see how it pans out.

-Bias