I would definately say that the shame you feel doesn't belong to you at all. These are likely very old feelings that surface in situations like these. You are alive, survived it all and must indeed be very very strong.

Nonetheless, I am very sorry that you feel this way and completely understand. For me, it's hard to know exactly what *I* want in sexual situations. It's only afterwards that I realize that "hey I didn't want that at all". The sense of obligation, and "well, what else were we going to do" can be overwhelming. Our abusers gave this to us. It's not something we would have chosen for ourselves.

However, as we grow into ourselves and work to unlearn what we are taught, we can master discovering what *we* want. We can freely give or withhold consent and have that consent honored *without* consequence to the relationship. What we want, or do not want matters. It will matter infinitely to people that care about us.

This is such a process though, and the path is not a smooth one. We are changing who we are and how we relate to those around us.

It's okay. It's really really okay.