I seriously seriously want to crawl out of my skin. Not using a bad coping skill is so so so so so so hard. I keep thinking about (triggering things) and wanting to do them SO badly. I know it would make me feel better, at least for a minute. And then of course, it would make me feel worse. But it's so tempting for that moment of relief. I haven't felt like this so strongly in quite a while.

Yesterday, I was at this huge party. My band played a set. There was birthday cake and presents for me (it wasn't a birthday party, but my friends surprised me). I know it must have been fun, but it's lost time. I remember tuning in for flashes of time at the party, but I couldn't stay present. I know when I get really dissociative like that, it's not a good sign...it means that my stress/anxiety level is way bigger than my coping skills.

I know it's progress that I can recognize what's going on: I'm losing time, I'm uncomfortable in my skin, I want more than ANYTHING to use a bad coping skill. I'm not just lost in it (yet), so maybe I can pull myself out before it gets too bad. I have T today at 4. If we skip any small talk and I can somehow go in and just get started (instead of playing with the lights, changing my seat multiple times, etc) I'll have an hour to try to get myself to a better place. I KNOW me though. When I'm like this, I switch a lot, and anything could happen in therapy I know this downward spiral, and I have to find a way to pull out of it.

I just needed a place to vent and write and see if anyone has any feedback. I'm just going to try to get through the day. I hate hate hate hate hate HATE that I will look back at today and have lost a bunch of time. I hate it