I am trying to curb my expectations, and I think part of the reason she has been so ...awkward for lack of a better term, is because she wants to make sure I don't get my hopes up. She doesn't know whats going to happen and doesn't want to make any promises. At the same time, I know she still cares about me. We had a very good relationship for a long time and we didn't break up on bad terms. I just want to make sure she has a chance to know for sure we can, or can't work out, rather than a reaction to something out of my control. I will be able to stay friends with her a lot easier should it come to us not working out in the end because I wont feel cheated.

I also don't think she understands how serious depression is because she just sees negativity, which she can't stand to be around. She is such an outgoing and bubbly person, she very rarely gets mad, never swears, never says she "hates" someone or something, but she is almost always all smiles and good natured. I'm normally very reserve and don't show a lot of emotion, but once I'm around people I'm comfortable with, I'm very open and loving, and probably the most loyal person in the world. She would tell me when we were dating that people (especially people in band who only saw the "section leader" side of me, and never bothered to get to know me would ask her things like "Why are you dating him he's so serious" or "Does he treat you ok?". She would always say, "He's a really sweet and funny guy, once you get to know him."

I really want to try to spring this surprise on her. I'm even considering trying to take a Greyhound bus back if I need to, the problem is I only have very little money left that I will probably need most of for a few bills I have, and my parents aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination. I'm going to ask my Mother if we can make any arrangements to make it work, because I think this would be huge for our relationship as a whole to spring a surprise on her. And if for some reason she doesn't like my surprise (I'm talking like having upset/bad body language when/if I surprise her) and is bothered by me being there, well then I'll probably know how she feels about me at least.