Pimprenelle,

That was a wise and helpful post. If I go right into my heart I think that my first wife didn't love me. I was a good looking guy back then, and maybe that's what attracted her, but she was critical of all sorts of little things about me (haircuts and stuff) and that rang warning bells. My wife C. is never critical of me, just appreciative. It's lovely.

You're right, meeting up with my lost daughter triggered all sorts of emotions, and the main thing was a terrible sadness for my daughter who was truly messed up. She had been through all sorts of counselling and therapy. I asked what her relationship with her mother was like, and she said 'stormy'. She also said that her mother wouldn't let her in emotionally, which was my experience also.

This was validating for me, like you said, but also heartrending for my daughter. She said that her mother said she 'thinks too much' which is exactly what she said to me all those years ago. Goodness, don't people stay in their patterns.

Reading back through my own post, I can feel the emotion welling up again. From my own point of view, it feels as if I have lost two children, the aborted child, and the daughter that was taken away from me.

I also experienced loss again when I was traced by my first daughter who then didn't want a relationship. By any yardstick, this is a heavy burden of emotional loss.

The first marriage had such a devastating effect on me that I found it hard to trust my second wife, and lived in fear of losing my daughter with her. My second wife says that it was 5-8 years before she understood how bad it was for me (men always try to cover up). Even today, my wife says that she cannot comprehend how a person can cope with so much pain and still have a positive outlook. It's not been easy!! Of course this was all aggravated even more by my having a bullying father and a subjugated mother, which meant little or no emotional support from that quarter.

I can honestly say, that the disclosures in these posts only started to come out here at PC. I never was able to share this stuff before, in any mature way. Too heavy.

M.